Nakita Grinie

Would have been

Today would have been Kellan's fourth birthday, just a week after Cecelia's.

I've been thinking about Brad and Becky all day today, knowing that I can't even wrap my mind around their pain in losing a son. A birthday that should have been full of superheroes and presents and a party and a tiny little body bombing around on his big day, is instead full of loss. The absence of Kellan, the void he's left here, the unimaginable loss of a child. It doesn't seem real, even five months later. I'm sure his first missing birthday is a tough milestone to pass for his family, I just can't even go there.

I told Cecelia that today was Kellan's birthday and she put on her inquisitive face. 'But God and Jesus don't know it's his birthday. I wonder what kind of presents he'll get in heaven? I hope he isn't getting wet in the rain.' We talked about how Kellan would have loved to have a superhero party and decided to sing him Happy Birthday. As soon as we were done singing, the wind started to blow Cecelia's hair and I was sort of speechless as I caught it on video. It gives me chills to watch it and the gorgeous rainbow that came after the storm tonight also seemed too perfect (although I didn't get that one on camera!). It might be a stretch to say those were signs from above that Kellan is still with us in spirit, but I choose to believe we'll meet him again someday.

Today was an ordinary day for us. A simple, mundane, ordinary day with our three healthy kids. Kite flying. Playing on the playground. Buying and planting flowers for our yard. Laughing together. Playing with the vintage Super Soakers Lois found in their basement. Eating dinner as a family. There is so much breathtaking beauty in the ordinary, and I thank God for the privilege of each passing day.