Showing posts with label from. Show all posts
Showing posts with label from. Show all posts
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Moms Make it Work Erin from Oklahoma
Today we have Erin posting about her life as a physician with three (adorable) kids, and Erin is someone I've 'known' pre-motherhood via the wonderful internet;) When making my list of bloggers I wanted to include in this series, I tried to keep it fairly equal between working moms and stay-at-home moms. Although Erin doesn't blog anymore, I really wanted her take on being a working mom in the healthcare field since she has a different work schedule that most. I'm glad she agreed to post and was not disappointed by her words of wisdom! Enjoy, and find the rest of the series here.
Hello! My name is Erin, and I can be found IG as teamcorbin. I'm a has-been blogger (teamcorbin.blogspot and waitingonforever.com) who met Julia through our nesting days. I love that I've been able to keep up with my “internet friends” through IG, blogs and facebook. I'm a little intimidated about doing this post because all of the ones before me have been so good. What else could I possible have to offer? So, feel free to just scroll through to look at my adorable kids – I won't be offended ;) Also, WOW – this turned out to be long!
-What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?
Aside from a brief period in high school where I wanted to be a mortician (yes...a mortician), I always knew I wanted to be a doctor. I'm not sure I ever seriously considered any other field. Luckily, college was mostly a breeze and I was accepted into medical school after earning my 4 year degree in biology. I completed medical school in 2008 and finished a three year pediatric residency in 2011. I am currently practicing as a pediatric hospitalist which means I only care for kids admitted to the hospital and don't have a clinic of my own. It has been an ideal schedule for us until more recently, which I'll get into later. I currently work ten to fourteen days a month, with each of those days consisting of 24 hours of being on call.
My husband, Heath, and I met the week before I graduated college. I knew pretty much right away that he was “the one”, as cliché as that sounds. We moved in together 7 months later and got married Spring Break of my second year of medical school. We will celebrate our 8 year anniversary next month. Our infertility/failed adoption/fostering journey is (and was) a blog all of it's own. The short version is that we struggled for two years to get pregnant the 'ol fashioned way, had three failed private adoption placements, and decided to give the foster parent thing a try out of desperation for wanting to be parents. At the time, it was more of something to pass the time until we moved forward with in vitro, but looking back I can see how we were clearly placed on that path for a reason. Thru the difficult journey of fostering, and the beautiful gift of adoption, we now have three amazing children. Sam, our 5 year old, came into our lives amidst the chaos of my intern year as a gorgeous, joyful 7 month old. We adopted him two years later. His half sister, Nora joined us at 4 days old and is our spunky, independent two year old diva. Their brother Jack, who just turned one, followed only 11 months later. They are a constant reminder that God's purpose doesn't always match my plans.
-What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?
The best thing about my situation is that I get to do two things that I'm very passionate about – practice medicine and be a mother. My schedule is amazing in that, even when I'm on call for those ten to fourteen days, I have the flexibility to go to my kids' school parties, take them to doctors' appointments and even take care of them at home when they're sick. Ironically, I have my sick two year old sleeping on my chest while I type this post and simultaneously answer pages. Talk about multi-tasking! On my days off service, I still have a few work responsibilities as the medical director of our program, but it allows me to catch up on the normal things that get cast aside while I'm on service (i.e. laundry, dishes, pinterest – ha!). I found very early on, that I really need a few days of alone time in order to feel like I have everything under control in an otherwise stressful house!
The biggest challenge in our situation is finding a balance in it all. I'm sure most working mothers would tell you that regardless of how many hours a day or how many days a week they work. I try to give 100% of myself to everything I do, which makes it difficult if my pager goes off four times while I'm trying to cook dinner and have two toddlers hanging onto my ankles. My weeks on call can be very demanding and I never know when I will get called back to the hospital. I find myself wishing away my weeks on service knowing that I will be so consumed with work, and likely have so many work-related interruptions, that there is no reason to even try to plan fun activities or even leave the house. I often wish I had a job that I could leave at the door when I came home in the evenings or at least address at my own convenience rather than one that constantly pulls me away from my family.
-Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
Yes and no. I have never had the desire to stay at home, and given my career choice, I knew I would always have a job that demanded a lot. My children are my world, but my identity outside of that is important to me too. I get so much joy in being able to take care of sick kids and really love what I do. Thankfully, my kids go to a daycare with providers that adore them and I have an amazing support system takes up where I have to leave off. In that way, this is ideal. On the other hand, doing life with my little family is so important to me and I hate having to miss out on the little things. I'm often absent from lazy, weekend breakfasts and Saturday morning cartoons because I'm rounding at the hospital. There are many dinners where my husband and kids sit and wait for me to answer pages before we can all enjoy our meal. As I mentioned above, I'm ready for better boundaries between my work and home life – which leads us to the next question...
-Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years, or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
We are actually in a transition period right now. We sold our dream house in the big city and are in the midst of building a home and moving away to a more “simple life” on the lake. I'm hanging up my hat as a hospitalist and joining a clinic in an under-served part of the state as an outpatient rural pediatrician. I never imagined I would move out of the city or leave my dream job as a hospitalist, but having kids certainly changes things. I will always practice medicine, but I'm looking forward to something that allows me to give more of myself to my family. This move will allow me to work four days a week, no evenings, no weekends. We will have a nanny that keeps the babies in our home while I'm at work. My husband will be able to work from home and continue to have the same amazing, flexible and supportive job he has now. I'm nervous about the transition and how we will adjust but I'm so excited about the things to come. At the end of the day, I'll gladly trade the convenience of a Starbucks and Whole Foods to remove the distractions and get back to what really matters to us: our family.
-Tips on how you make this work for you?
I absolutely, without a doubt, could not do what I do if it weren't for my husband. He is such an amazing father and is quick to pick up where I have to leave off. He does at least half of the parenting (sometimes more on an exceptionally crazy week at work), a good portion of the housework and rarely makes a complaint. We have a partnership that just works. It makes a huge difference to be able to look across the table at the end of the day and know that no matter how wild the kids are, how many times a drink gets spilled, and how many hours the bedtime routine takes us, we will get through it together. He's been my solid supporter and encourager through so many difficult life transitions and I wouldn't want to do this life with anyone else.
Also, lots of tequila. Kidding. Kind of.
-How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with each role? Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home?
This was something I worried a lot about before even applying to medical school. Ultimately, I know I wouldn't be fulfilled if I didn't have a career. So, it's a continuous struggle to maintain a balance at being a good physician and an even better mom. I think ultimately you just have to try out a few things and figure out what works best for you. Rather than beat myself up because I am at work during the day, I think about all of the fun projects and activities my kids get to do while they're at daycare. Also, our two-income home allows us to go on fun trips and hire a nanny. I also try to be really intentional with the time I do have. Two hours in the evening can be gone before I know it if I am too worried about dishes and laundry to sit and enjoy my children. I certainly don't have it down and it's a constant work in progress, but I think we're finally setting into a routine that works for us – right before we move and it all changes again! My biggest struggle is not feeling like I measure up to other moms out there, but constantly reminding myself that I just can't do it all. Comparison is certainly the biggest thief of my joy. It's hard to get through an exceptionally trying day with fussy children while you see that your IG friend just baked a homemade rhubarb pie with her well-mannered three year old's help in a spotless kitchen. While I love the community I've developed through social media, it's so hard to not compare to the Pinterest moms who seem to have it all together. I think it's important to remember that while you're scrolling through instagram, you're only getting a peek at everyone's “highlight reel” and not their “behind the scenes”. Embrace the kind of mom that YOU are and do it with a smile. My kids may not have had the most creative, homemade valentines or eat gourmet meals each night but we sure do have a mean dance party while we wait for the pizza to be delivered.
Thank you, Erin! The entire Moms Make it Work series is found here.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Questions from the Internet Part 3
The next round of questions that came from the Six Questions interview all have to do with 'advice.' And more specifically parenting advice. Popular topic!
What is the best and the worst piece of parenting advice you've received? -Amy B.
What are the best words of wisdom you've ever gotten/read? Advice, comfort, what's stuck with you the most? -aligibbs24
Hi, Julia, what advice would you go back and give to yourself pre-baby or to someone thinking of having kids? Thank you! -rees_bk
I just recently posted about one of my favorite quotes of all times:
(hand lettering by seances)
I believe good old Abraham Lincoln is credited with this quote and I really could not agree more. I guess this isn't advice as much as it's considered my 'words of wisdom'. Choose happiness. Find the positive in a situation. Enjoy life and be happy. Sounds simple enough, right?
When I was pregnant with Truman, I was *that* first time mom who read all of the books. I researched, I prepared, I was determined to be a great mom. If I could go back to my pre-baby self to impart all of my hard-earned mommy wisdom, I would just say this: go easy on yourself. You have no idea the incredible amount of joy this thing called motherhood will bring you, and yet it will be the hardest role in the world, too. Read all of the books you'd like, dear friend, but nobody can be totally 'ready' for their own baby. All babies are different, all families are different, and if you decide to make decisions from your gut based on what you feel is right for your child you will be golden. Push all of the other outside pressures or expectations or dare I say it, mommy wars aside.
I feel like living in a time of social media is both really cool and really unfortunate. We just know too much about each other's lives these days. Do you think moms of our grandmothers' generation really cared if so-and-so down the block breastfed or bottle fed their baby? If they co-slept or not? How they parented? Were there mommy wars back then? Competition? Or was it just a simpler time with different priorities? I've thought about having my grandma (Memaw!) write a bit for the Moms Make it Work series because I know her perspective as an octogenarian is so incredibly interesting compared to what we are accustomed to today. One thing she emailed to me after a MMIW post was that the concept of 'me time' was nonexistent back then. They just didn't think much about carving out time for themselves as mom and probably just got the job done without spreading themselves too thin to 'keep up' with all of the other moms out there. I don't know. I mean, I CRAVE my beloved 'me time' and can't imagine that not idea not being in my head. She also doesn't understand the big deal about 'mommy guilt' and thinks the moms of our generation are way too hard on ourselves. Just do the best you can and move on---simple enough, right? I love hearing Memaw's opinion on parenting especially because she says her transition from two to three beautiful baby girls was not all that difficult;) Perhaps I will get her to write something for us on this old blog---to breathe new life into this modern day mommy blog from an old school professional author.
What I'm saying is that moms-to-be can go a long way if they do their best to follow their gut and ignore all of the noise out there regarding the 'best' choice for their child. I guess that is what I'd say to my pre-baby self or any other girl getting ready to become a mom. It's more amazing than you could ever imagine and also more challenging. The highest of highs, the lowest of lows. And totally worth it, 100%.
As far as the best and worst parenting advice I've ever received? Hmmmm. I guess the best would be to follow your instincts. Enjoy the moment. Look at the big picture. Be present. You know, all of those really EASY things to do as moms;) And the worst advice would be something about how newborn babies are smart enough to manipulate you into wussy parents. As in, your baby must be crying to get attention and if you don't put your foot down and show them who is boss, they will always 'own' you or something dumb like that. I don't think babies need to be held 24/7 or that you have to run to their side with every whimper (as if that is even possible, especially with more than one child). But anyone who claims that a baby (and I'm talking LITTLE, like less than 6 months) is trying to manipulate you does not remember what it's like to have a tiny, fussy, human baby. Sometimes they just cry for no good reason. You might make yourself certifiably insane trying to figure out the cause of their crying but I truly do not agree with the notion of a baby trying to 'manipulate' a parent. They are babies, and therefore not the smartest. They have other great qualities of course (adorableness, innocence, amazing smell, squishiness) but they aren't that smart. Again, just follow your gut and if you think your baby needs you then go to him. There will be plenty of time in your parenting career to 'put your foot down' and show your child who is boss (i.e. ages 2 through forever?).
I have heard the 'don't let her manipulate you' type comments before when CC was really little. I won't say who told me things like, 'Oh look, she totally has you wrapped around her finger' but it took a lot of self-restraint to avoid rolling my eyes at that one. Now that Cecelia is almost two? Sure. She probably tries to test my limits and see if I'll follow through with what I promise. I still don't think she wants to 'manipulate' me when she is being naughty. She is almost two and needs me to teach her the rules and limits while also proving my love and earning her trust. She is also completely different than her big brother when it comes to pushing the boundaries so I'm sort of learning this whole 'guiding a two year old' thing all over again. Gotta love how these babies keep us on our toes!
Miss Priss:
Mister Too Big for his Britches (going back to my Southern roots for that term!):
Love them so. Hope this post was somewhat insightful about 'advice'. One more installment of these Internet Questions to go!
Miss Priss:
Mister Too Big for his Britches (going back to my Southern roots for that term!):
Love them so. Hope this post was somewhat insightful about 'advice'. One more installment of these Internet Questions to go!
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Moms Make it Work Becca from Minnesota
Our next post is from Becca (beccacali on Instagram), who is Erin's sister-in-law. Erin knew Becca would be perfect for this post and I loved hearing from a fellow healthcare mama with a part time schedule! Also our first mom with three kids---she makes it look so easy, doesn't she? ;)
Hello! You are reading this post because you are a mom, or interested in moms, or randomly ended up here by accident. Welcome. My sister-in-law, Erin (It's All Happening!) told me about Julia's idea for this blog series. I was excited and a bit apprehensive to do a guest post. After all, why would anyone care what my experience has been? But then I sat back and thought about all the blogs I have searched out in my short tenure as a mom and realized the answer is many! We're all looking for guidance, advice, support, and someone to make us feel like we're not quite as alone as we thought. I used to blog, but don't anymore - you can follow me at beccacali on instagram though!
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?
My name is Becca. I grew up in a southern suburb of Minneapolis in a wonderfully loving and crazy family of 7. I am the oldest of five kids, and play my part well, if I do say so myself. I went to St. Olaf College and graduated with a nursing degree. I am 33 years old and married to Joe, a guy who keeps me sane, makes me laugh, loves me despite imperfections, and gave me three beautiful children – Grace, Sam (3 years old), and Elizabeth (8 months).
I am a labor and delivery nurse, and can't imagine doing anything else. Ever. My first nursing job was in labor and delivery at a high-risk, high-volume women's hospital in San Diego. We did close to 8,000 births a year. It was a baby assembly line! I loved everything about that first job. It took very little time to realize this is exactly the plan God had for me. I felt a deep calling to not only be working with laboring women, but also the group of nurses who worked there. To this day I am so very grateful for the opportunity to have worked beside each of them. I learned so much and formed amazing friendships.
Joe and I now live back in Minnesota, in a northern suburb of Minneapolis. I work at a low-risk hospital that encourages a holistic approach to medicine. It's very different from the high risk care I was used to, but it's proved to be challenging enough in different ways. Plus, I adore my colleagues. I am working with a group of women (and a couple dudes) who are in the same phase of life. It's wonderful to be able to relate to my co-workers not only about the job we do but about life as well. We are a great team, and I am proud to be a part of it. I work part-time 12 hour nights, which may sound horrible, but is perfect for me. I am NOT a morning person, so being awake all night and getting to sleep all day suits me just fine.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?
Nurses schedules are fantastic. I think that's one of the best parts of our situation. I do have set shifts, but working some weekends means I have weekdays off. Right now, I'm working just under part time, so I work three 12 hour shifts every two weeks. Pretty dreamy. I have a couple long stretches off, which is nice for the kids (and me), then I work three in a row. By the time my stretch off is done I'm usually ready to go to work and do something a little different. Joe (also an RN) works at a different hospital as a clinical liaison for an acute rehab unit. He has a more traditional schedule (M-F), but still has a decent amount of flexibility.
I think the biggest challenge with my work schedule is my weekend shifts. Since Joe works M-F, we will often try to see family or plan activities over the weekends. I invariably end up having to work on a weekend we are trying to do fun things. Not a huge deal, but it's an annoyance. The plus side is that I always work with the same crew on the weekends and I LOVE my crew.
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
I always pictured kind of a mad house of kids. You know the movie “Return To Me” with Minnie Driver? Well, Bonnie Hunt's character has a bunch of kids and they're all wild and nuts and her husband is a goof and exasperating but loves her so much. Yeah, that's pretty much what I expected to have. Dreams have become a reality, and I love so many things about our chaotic, crazy household. The other day, I had a couple friends over for a play date (another perk to working part time), and one of my friends mentioned several times how “laid back and calm” I was. Loud toys, screaming kids (with glee), running up and down stairs....all pretty much part of my day. What's five more kids?!
Pre-kids I thought a lot about what our family would look like. I could always picture having a few kids. Growing up with four siblings gave me a love of bigger families. I love the richness of a house full of noise and life. Sure, it comes along with extra responsibility and expenses and sleepless nights...but it's also guaranteed to make you happy in a way you never knew existed. I think especially since our road to parenthood was not easy, I've come to appreciate what we have. When I finally got pregnant (with the help of clomid) with Grace and Sam, we found out we were expecting triplets! At 24 weeks, Baby C (Ian) was diagnosed with absent end diastolic flow. There was risk of losing him during the pregnancy, but we opted to wait for delivery since there were two other babies who would be put at great risk with a preterm delivery. We were devastated to learn at 29.5 weeks that Ian's heart had stopped beating. Grace and Sam both had indicators that it was time to be delivered, so that day our children were born. Grace and Sam spent two and three months in the NICU. This time in our lives brought Joe and I even closer together. I also felt God's presence in our lives in an incredible way. Although I don't wish this experience on anyone, the knowledge that so many people are praying for you makes you feel a love and connection that is kind of unexplainable. And oh does God work in mysterious ways. Because as the kids approached their 2nd birthday, Joe and I started talking about MAYBE having another baby. A month later, I found out I was pregnant! Elizabeth was born this past May, and our wild household feels very complete. :)
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
Yes. Plain and simple. Joe and I are both doing something we love. We are very fulfilled by our jobs. I get to do something I love AND spend lots of time with my kids, which is what I wanted to do. It was never a question that I would work part time. I knew the flexibility of a nurses schedule would allow me to work part time while my kids were young, and then work more once they are in school. I feel very fortunate that working part time works for our family right now. It would definitely be nicer to have a bit more in the bank account, but I think we're making things work, and the time I get to spend with the kids is great.
Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years, or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
Nope. I am in this. Forever. Haha! I love what I do!! It doesn't matter if I'm crabby or in a bad mood, when I hit the unit, I'm instantly cheered up. It makes me happy to be there. The only career change I would entertain would be to go back into management. But I don't see that happening in the next 5-10 years. I'd love to get the kids through school, then maybe make a change.
Tips on how you make this work for you?
Communication. Communication. Communication. Joe and I talk about EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. Stupid little things, big important things. What we had for lunch. What we're thinking of doing at the gym tomorrow. Talking about the little things makes talking about the bigs things SO much easier, because you've already established a rhythm. That and good stiff drink every now and then. ;)
How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with each role?
I'm pretty laid back, so I don't think I've ever really felt a ton of guilt in either role. I love going to work, and don't feel bad dropping the kids off at daycare (two doors down! In home! They love it!) while I sleep, or working on the weekends when they get to hang out with Joe all to themselves. I mostly feel guilty about the little things – being impatient, running the kids around town for things I want to get done, cleaning instead of playing with them. I've been trying to remember that a 5 minute investment of my time into doing something like playing dress up or reading a book goes oh so very far in their eyes. The return on that investment is huge.
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?
Just do it. Go back to work, if that has been your plan. You don't know how difficult or easy it will be until you actually do it. Sure, I was sad to leave my kids, and especially our last baby, just knowing it was the last time I'd be off work with a newborn. But then I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had missed my job and my co-workers. Plus, even if you end up trying it and it doesn't work out for you, your kids have seen you try. And you have an experience to teach them something. I think it's really important for our kids to see us try things and fail. Or try and succeed! Talking to them about how hard a task is, then explaining what you did to overcome it. I think one of the ways moms can be really down on themselves these days is when they're trying to be perfect and then fail to meet their own expectation of perfect. You don't need the latest gadget, the most expensive stroller, or the best decorated nursery. You need two arms to squeeze those kids tight, and the words “I love you” to roll off your tongue a hundred times a day. I can't tell you what brand of clothes I had when I was a kid, but I sure as hell can tell you that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mom loves me.
Being a mom is a tough gig. No one said it would be easy and painless. But the beauty of motherhood is that you are not alone. You are part of a network of women who have done this job in so many different ways, and with so many different resources. No one way is right, and what you do is rarely wrong or harmful. Find what works for you. Communicate with your partner. Find time for yourself. Take a bath during nap time instead of cleaning the kitchen. You will thank yourself for it. Your kids will thank you. Pat yourself on the back. And go kiss your babies.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Guest Post from Brookie the Brave
I hope you are enjoying the monthly focus on reducing stress and anxiety.
Here is a guest post from Brit at "Brookie the Brave."
I'm happy to introduce her as my first guest poster. I hope you enjoy her words of wisdom!
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Brittany Miller, Aka Brookie the Brave's mom is a happy, stay at home mom in AZ. Her husband Ryan and she are raising 3 little girls and trying to make life fun and meaningful for them, despite their little sister's serious health challenges. Brittany is newer to the blogging world but her mission is to spread awareness that happiness is possible with a special needs child, creating memories, having fun in the moment, and giving service. She loves writing, reading, movies, running and organizing. Brittany is excited to be part of the mom blogger community and share her experiences. You can follow her at www.brookiethebrave.com or http://brookiethebrave.
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Don't Worry Be Happy (oh really...)
Life as a mother is often hectic. We worry. I think as we enter into motherhood, literally the second we hold our pink faced bundle of newborn joy we develop this extra "sense." I like to call it my Mom radar. Somehow at any given time we know our child is near. It is kind of a miracle actually.
We can be in a huge auditorium and hear our child let out a cry, we stand up, rush out and find said child.
A miracle? Maybe. Apparently, God decided Mom radar was something to be built into our anatomy that activates during child birth. I am half serious here friends.
Obviously this declaration is in fun but you mothers out there know exactly what I mean.
What would we do without our Mom radar?
We need it to function, to be able to survive on three hours of sleep, to keep on top of activities,
homework, running the home, planning play dates; more importantly helping our kids feel loved
and nurturing their self esteem... and the list goes on.
Something I have had to learn being a special needs mom AND a typical mom is to not let the stress and worry that comes with this Mom radar overwhelms me. Because it can. Being a mother is the hardest job we wanted the most. Truly. Sometimes we can get so caught up in making sure everyone is happy, and everything is running perfectly that our own sense of well being starts to wilt.
Raising children is fulfilling, fun, and amazing but it is also stressful, nerve racking and hard. We worry so much about the little people we are molding into functioning, well adjusted adults. Our Mom radars are on overdrive at times because we sincerely want our children to be happy.
And you know what, we are doing all right. Yes, children have minds of their own, they really do! They actually are going to make good decisions often and they are going to make mistakes too. We have to let them learn, without letting the worry of making their lives run so perfectly consume our own.
You know deep down if you are a good mom.
You try and teach your children good values and morals. You tell them daily you love them, show affection, even spoil (oh just a little) and your kids feel that love. Mothers across America are probably going to bed tonight worrying if they were good enough today, if their kids felt loved and valued, did they listen to them enough, was dinner ok,
how would they accomplish their to do list tomorrow; so many sheep being counted as
mothers everywhere lose sleep over their children's well being.
I am talking about myself too you know. We all do it. It is encoded in our DNA. We worry. We love. It is in our nature. But does this anxiety affect our happiness? Is there a point where we just have to trust that our parenting is paying off, that our kids are going to turn out how they are going to turn out despite how much we stress? I think at some point we have to do our best, and then just breathe.
As I was pondering on this post the old mantra
popped into my mind. Telling a mother, even me the biggest worrier of all, to not worry and be happy is almost laughable. How can I not worry about my kids? That is against my nature, against the laws of Mommyhood and I could "go to jail" if the other mothers knew I was adopting this policy.
Am I telling you all to never worry about your children? No. Absolutely Not. Am I saying after we have done our jobs above and beyond that we do need to relish in the moment of watching our kids live their lives happily then, Yes.
In this case we deserve it. We work hard as moms. And we love our kids. All we want is their happiness and their success as good people, and it is ok to want that for ourselves too.
So mothers out there, even special needs mothers like me who are pushed beyond our limits, give yourselves some credit, let your Mom radars relax a bit and be happy that we are doing all right. Ask your kids, I am sure if they knew how much you fretted over their well being they too would say "Hey Mommy..."
"Don't worry, be happy, cause we sure are."
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Moms Make it Work Anne from California
Today we have Anne writing for our Moms Make it Work Series. Anne reached out to me as a blog reader, asking if she could participate in the series as a working mom in California. I said 'of course' and loved reading about her life as a mom who balances it all so well. She is expecting her third baby any day now, so the 'baby watch' is officially in full force on all forms of social media. Enjoy!
Thank you Julia for letting me participate in this series. I reached out to her after following along and reading everyone stories, and thought that my story would be fun to share. As I write this edit, I am currently on my second week of maternity leave and am impatiently awaiting the arrival of baby number three. I hope by the time this is published she will already be here!
Once again, thank you so much Julia for letting me share my crazy chaotic story.
About me:
Hi everyone. I'm Anne, a wife to Jason, Mommy to Keane (4 years), Gehrig (2.5 Years) and Marra (due April 9). I am an occasional when-I-have-time, make-time-for-it-blogger on Our Adventures In Lala Land and Beyond, and post lots of pics of my kiddos on instragram @mianlwls.
Besides being a wife and mommy, I am a TV photo publicist (a creative department/marketing function) for a major TV and Movie studio. As with lots of people in Los Angeles, I also have a side gig as a wanna be actor with who auditions for commercials mostly, and day player roles here and there.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?
There are two things I always knew I wanted to be when I grew up. First and foremost, I wanted to be a wife and mom. Second, I wanted to be an actor (I know you are probably thinking "actress" but everyone out here refers to each other as "actor" regardless of gender). I got bit by the unfortunate acting bug when I was 7 years old, and had decided from that age that I wanted to be in the performing arts. As much as I wish I could shake it, it won't go away. There were periods in my 20's where attaining both those goals seemed impossible, and thought maybe I should just give it all up and get 30 cats, and find a "real" job. Thank you Julia for letting me participate in this series. I reached out to her after following along and reading everyone stories, and thought that my story would be fun to share. As I write this edit, I am currently on my second week of maternity leave and am impatiently awaiting the arrival of baby number three. I hope by the time this is published she will already be here!
Once again, thank you so much Julia for letting me share my crazy chaotic story.
About me:
Hi everyone. I'm Anne, a wife to Jason, Mommy to Keane (4 years), Gehrig (2.5 Years) and Marra (due April 9). I am an occasional when-I-have-time, make-time-for-it-blogger on Our Adventures In Lala Land and Beyond, and post lots of pics of my kiddos on instragram @mianlwls.
Besides being a wife and mommy, I am a TV photo publicist (a creative department/marketing function) for a major TV and Movie studio. As with lots of people in Los Angeles, I also have a side gig as a wanna be actor with who auditions for commercials mostly, and day player roles here and there.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?
I attended UC San Diego, where I changed majors 3-4 times, before ultimately going back to being a theater major with a minor in psychology. My last semester included a class called "The Business of Acting" which basically prepped me for how to tackle the acting world when I got to Los Angeles. However, now looking back at it, it failed to train us for how to support ourselves while pursuing acting careers if we weren't trust fund babies.
Three months after I graduated, I worked for a very small production company where I worked as a receptionist for three months. Shortly after that, I got another offer asking me if I was interested in working as a set production assistant on a movie called LIFE AS A HOUSE. Since I wasn't thrilled with my position as a receptionist, I promptly left and started working on that set.
When that gig ended, I pursued acting full time. As all actors in Los Angeles do, I waited tables to support myself in between looking for agents, going to auditions, and going to acting class. I managed to do some extra work, nabbed my first agent, auditioned for A LOT of things, and booked a few, did some student films, and got my membership to the Screen Actors Guild. I did all the things you're supposed to do to work your way into the the business. Also fulfilling my pre-reqs as an actor in LA, I was pretty much a starving artist living pay check to pay check.
My starving artists headshots back in the day when they still did them in black and white, and needed physical headshots. Everything is now in color and submitted digitally.
Four years into my acting pursuits, my husband moved to California from the East Coast as he had always wanted to live in Los Angeles. We met 3 weeks later, and the rest is history! When it became established that he was the one, it also changed my acting endeavors slightly as I knew that the starving artist lifestyle was not going to work, especially if starting a life and family with him was the plan.
Our Early days
A year after we started dating, I left my server position which I had for 3 years and started working as a TV photo publicist for the studio I currently work for. It was a job in the industry that I loved (entertainment), but in a capacity that I never even knew existed and thankfully enjoyed. My husband happened to start working for the same company as well, but more on that later.
I also managed to grab a new commercial agent at the same time I started my new job. I discovered that I could have a "regular" job and still audition during my lunch breaks. Who knew? The job provided the salary and benefits that I needed and had been neglecting while pursuing acting. Insurance, 401k, AND pension, you know, all that grown up stuff that matters. It also turns out that so many people in the office that I spoke to were aspiring actors, screenwriters, directors, and some have managed to succeed in their dream and leave the day job. I was in good company, and still am. Had I known about this sooner I probably would've gone this way as opposed to the server, struggling artist route.
After dating for 4 years, we got married in 7/7/2007 (yes we were one of those couples). Not to long after that, we started our family.
Post wedding gondola ride where I tried really hard not to fall asleep.
We always wanted three kids. I was already 31 when we got married and was paranoid about fertility, and didn't want to wait too long. Had we been younger I probably would've waited a little longer to get more of the financial stuff in order, but I didn't want to regret waiting to have money stuff settled and "perfect" and find out that I had fertility issues. With my age paranoia always around, we started trying for a family after our first anniversary. Then in October 2009, our first son Keane was born.
First family picture with Keane in the NICU.
Nineteen months after having Keane, we had our second baby, Gehrig.
Brothers meeting for the first time.
Our first photo as a family of four.
Then I took a 2 year breather from being pregnant and a one year break from nursing. My biological clock was continuously ticking in my ear during that hiatus. We had decided after having Gehrig that we were going to start trying for our third child the month I turned 37, and well, happy birthday to me! July 2013 ended with a positive pregnancy test, and we are expecting our baby girl, Marra, within the next few weeks.
Expecting baby #3!
22 weeks pregnant
34 weeks
The boys giving some love to their baby sister. (35 weeks)
My husband and I had always agreed that I would work full time until we felt more caught up with our nest egg (see above in regards to starving artist days) and feel that we have enough saved up in the children's college fund. As much as I would love to work a little less to have more time with the kids, I also don't want to be paying for it when retirement comes around, nor do we want our kids to be saddled with the student loan debt that my husband and I had (we happened to pay off $45K in the school loan debt we had in the past 2 years, but that is a different post altogether). I have a great fear that we will be in our 60's with no money and end up asking my grown children for financial support. So to keep that nightmare from happening, I need to work now, and am happy to do so. Our goal is in the next five years to feel a little more caught up so I can have more options as to changing my career path, if we feel that's where we need to go. For now however, this is where we choose to be.
On location for a photo shoot.
After maternity leave, back to work I went (and will go after this baby is born) with the kids in full time daycare. Fortunately, the boys daycare is on site or "On The Lot" as we say, which makes them a two minute walk from my office. It makes my life so much easier and lessens the mommy guilt that I suffer from because I have the ability to visit them throughout the day, take them to lunch, or even read a story to their classes. Even when they are having a rough day, I can get a call from their teachers, walk down there and do my best to console or talk them through whatever issue is happening.
My husband and I had been working for the same company since 2004, until recently that is. Before this recent change, we had the luxury of carpooling and dropping off the kids at daycare together. We had lunch dates with each other every other day, if not more. We worked a lot, but we also saw each other a lot. That changed as of last summer since he has done a career switch as a restaurant manager as it his dream to one day open up his own restaurant. This has been quite the transition since we went from seeing each other all the time, to seeing each other for a few hours when either of us gets back from work. As you know, restaurants are not M-F, 9-5 gigs, and so our time spent together and his time spent with the boys has probably been cut in half. However, we know this is our choice to live like this. When we do have time when all of us are together, we do not take it for granted and we make the best of it. We also know that this scenario will not be forever and are hoping to change it within the next 12-24 months. Right now that I am on maternity leave, that has changed a bit and I am enjoying seeing him more, but I know once I'm back to work, back to the half days of seeing each other will begin.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?
Best part of course is that I have had the family I had always dreamed about. I'm still in awe that my husband is mine and my kids are MINE, not due to the fact that people sometimes think I'm their nanny
. I am so in love with this little family of mine and can't believe how lucky I am that I have what I have.
On balancing my job and being a wife and mom:
Fortunately my job is exciting and fun, so I usually don't mind going to it everyday. Of course there are days where I am sick of the commute, wished for more time at home with the boys and to just get house stuff done, and the usual office politics that I could do without. I think that is just about every corporate gig though, so I really can't complain, and just learn to deal. Thankfully there are a lot of pluses that outweigh the negatives on most days. Our childcare situation is fantastic. The boys love their school and their teachers. If I didn't have that I am sure I would be more of a wreck. Having the ability to see them at a moments notice, take them out to lunch, read a story to their classes before lunch, nap time or play time is fantastic. One of my favorite things to do is take my son to lunch at the commissary, share an ice cream, and then go back to his class, help him brush his teeth, and then tuck him in for nap time. I know I am so lucky that I have the option to do that during my lunch hour.
Lunch with my biggest boy with "New York Street" as our view.
Keane post Thanksgiving program.
Once the baby starts at the daycare when she is about 6 months, I can walk down to the daycare and nurse her as opposed to pumping throughout the day (yay because I hate pumping!). Another great bonus that the preschool offers are extra curricular activities that we can sign up for extra fees such as soccer, gymnastics, karate and ballet. They also have a hair dresser that comes once a month to cut their hair. All these little perks have been great as it cuts down on the errand running on our weekends. Needless to say, I love our childcare situation.
I also love the environment of working in the TV and Movie business. I love working on my shows and walking on the lot and seeing lots of the most popular shows and even movies being created before my eyes. I always get a big kick out of that even after being there for 10 years. I also appreciate the fact that if I have an audition, I can just go during my lunch hour and dont have to explain to anyone where I'm going. Unlike the days when I was waiting tables, where I would have to worry about getting shifts covered. If an audition happens to take place not within "lunch hour" boundaries, I just don't go, as I know this job is more important than booking an acting gig at this time.
Lastly, if not for the support and true partnership of my husband I don't know how I would manage to juggle all of this. Every morning he wakes up at 5:30 or 6 and does all the morning prep and also gets the boys ready for the day. This is even after nights where he'll come back from the restaurant at 2 am. I always tell him I can manage and he doesn't have to worry on those morning, but he still does it anyway. On days where he has the mornings off, or the whole day to himself at home, he cleans the house from top to bottom (he's the neat freak out of the two of us). On those same days, he also makes dinner so that when we get home at 7, all I have to do is heat it up and not spend an extra half hour or 45 minutes cooking. On nights where he's working and we come home to an empty house, he'll assemble an elaborate track on our Thomas the Train for the boys to play with to let them know he's thinking of them. On days where he opens the restaurant, he picks up the boys from school so that he can have some more one on one time with them. He really is such a hands on husband and father, and I truly would be lost without him helping me balance all of it.
On The Biggest Challenges....
The biggest challenge is the fact that the work day and the kids day at daycare is very long. Our childcare is great, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that it's still a really long day. Before we had the kids, we lived a mere 4 miles away from the office and it would take me 10 minutes at most to get there. When we moved to "The Valley" once Keane was born, that became a 14 mile commute which equals 45 minutes in Los Angeles traffic on a GOOD day. It usually takes an hour. My work day is 8:30-5:30 which means we are out of the house at 7:20 to accommodate traffic and drop off times, and it also means we're home at 7pm. Before 7:20am we obviously have to get the boys dressed and fed, and this has to accommodate for any meltdowns that may occur ranging from they don't like these spoon I gave them to eat with, to they want to wear their Angry Birds t-shirt and not what we picked out the night before. The boys don't know any different so they are used to it, but it absolutely kills me on certain days that their days are that long, and we don't have more time at home in the evenings to spend with one another. It's pretty much, dinner, bath, books and bed when we get home, and very rarely do we have any play time in between. KILLS ME.
Right now that I am on maternity leave, it is a little different as I am not rushed in the morning to drop them off, and we pick them up 2 hours earlier. THIS would be the perfect schedule if at all possible at some point, but in our current non maternity leave lives, it's not possible.
My carpool buddies.
Another challenge that we are currently facing which I mentioned above is the fact that we do not have as much time with my husband as we used to. We went from working in the same office and seeing each other all the time, to seeing each other partial mornings and evenings on weekdays, and half days on weekends. We do once a month full days off that we consciously make an effort to have. Frankly, it sucks but we are making it work for now. I have friends (both men and women) who have families and work as police officers, firefighters, and doctors who have waaay worse hours, so for me to whine about our situatuation would be stupid, because it's manageable. We do plan and hope to make changes because it doesn't change the fact that it's hard on him to not see us as much. We do make sure that when all 4.5 of us are together, whether it be early in the morning or in the evening, we make the best of it. About 3 nights out of the week all of as are at the table having dinner. I live for those nights especially our traditional Friday pizza and movie night which the boys talk about all week long and discuss what movie will be viewed. On weekends where he works nights, we have big elaborate breakfasts together and make sure we go out for a little time in the sunshine before he leaves for work at 2pm.
Sunday morning family time.
Best part of course is that I have had the family I had always dreamed about. I'm still in awe that my husband is mine and my kids are MINE, not due to the fact that people sometimes think I'm their nanny
On balancing my job and being a wife and mom:
Fortunately my job is exciting and fun, so I usually don't mind going to it everyday. Of course there are days where I am sick of the commute, wished for more time at home with the boys and to just get house stuff done, and the usual office politics that I could do without. I think that is just about every corporate gig though, so I really can't complain, and just learn to deal. Thankfully there are a lot of pluses that outweigh the negatives on most days. Our childcare situation is fantastic. The boys love their school and their teachers. If I didn't have that I am sure I would be more of a wreck. Having the ability to see them at a moments notice, take them out to lunch, read a story to their classes before lunch, nap time or play time is fantastic. One of my favorite things to do is take my son to lunch at the commissary, share an ice cream, and then go back to his class, help him brush his teeth, and then tuck him in for nap time. I know I am so lucky that I have the option to do that during my lunch hour.
Lunch with my biggest boy with "New York Street" as our view.
Keane post Thanksgiving program.
Once the baby starts at the daycare when she is about 6 months, I can walk down to the daycare and nurse her as opposed to pumping throughout the day (yay because I hate pumping!). Another great bonus that the preschool offers are extra curricular activities that we can sign up for extra fees such as soccer, gymnastics, karate and ballet. They also have a hair dresser that comes once a month to cut their hair. All these little perks have been great as it cuts down on the errand running on our weekends. Needless to say, I love our childcare situation.
I also love the environment of working in the TV and Movie business. I love working on my shows and walking on the lot and seeing lots of the most popular shows and even movies being created before my eyes. I always get a big kick out of that even after being there for 10 years. I also appreciate the fact that if I have an audition, I can just go during my lunch hour and dont have to explain to anyone where I'm going. Unlike the days when I was waiting tables, where I would have to worry about getting shifts covered. If an audition happens to take place not within "lunch hour" boundaries, I just don't go, as I know this job is more important than booking an acting gig at this time.
Lastly, if not for the support and true partnership of my husband I don't know how I would manage to juggle all of this. Every morning he wakes up at 5:30 or 6 and does all the morning prep and also gets the boys ready for the day. This is even after nights where he'll come back from the restaurant at 2 am. I always tell him I can manage and he doesn't have to worry on those morning, but he still does it anyway. On days where he has the mornings off, or the whole day to himself at home, he cleans the house from top to bottom (he's the neat freak out of the two of us). On those same days, he also makes dinner so that when we get home at 7, all I have to do is heat it up and not spend an extra half hour or 45 minutes cooking. On nights where he's working and we come home to an empty house, he'll assemble an elaborate track on our Thomas the Train for the boys to play with to let them know he's thinking of them. On days where he opens the restaurant, he picks up the boys from school so that he can have some more one on one time with them. He really is such a hands on husband and father, and I truly would be lost without him helping me balance all of it.
On The Biggest Challenges....
The biggest challenge is the fact that the work day and the kids day at daycare is very long. Our childcare is great, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that it's still a really long day. Before we had the kids, we lived a mere 4 miles away from the office and it would take me 10 minutes at most to get there. When we moved to "The Valley" once Keane was born, that became a 14 mile commute which equals 45 minutes in Los Angeles traffic on a GOOD day. It usually takes an hour. My work day is 8:30-5:30 which means we are out of the house at 7:20 to accommodate traffic and drop off times, and it also means we're home at 7pm. Before 7:20am we obviously have to get the boys dressed and fed, and this has to accommodate for any meltdowns that may occur ranging from they don't like these spoon I gave them to eat with, to they want to wear their Angry Birds t-shirt and not what we picked out the night before. The boys don't know any different so they are used to it, but it absolutely kills me on certain days that their days are that long, and we don't have more time at home in the evenings to spend with one another. It's pretty much, dinner, bath, books and bed when we get home, and very rarely do we have any play time in between. KILLS ME.
Right now that I am on maternity leave, it is a little different as I am not rushed in the morning to drop them off, and we pick them up 2 hours earlier. THIS would be the perfect schedule if at all possible at some point, but in our current non maternity leave lives, it's not possible.
My carpool buddies.
Another challenge that we are currently facing which I mentioned above is the fact that we do not have as much time with my husband as we used to. We went from working in the same office and seeing each other all the time, to seeing each other partial mornings and evenings on weekdays, and half days on weekends. We do once a month full days off that we consciously make an effort to have. Frankly, it sucks but we are making it work for now. I have friends (both men and women) who have families and work as police officers, firefighters, and doctors who have waaay worse hours, so for me to whine about our situatuation would be stupid, because it's manageable. We do plan and hope to make changes because it doesn't change the fact that it's hard on him to not see us as much. We do make sure that when all 4.5 of us are together, whether it be early in the morning or in the evening, we make the best of it. About 3 nights out of the week all of as are at the table having dinner. I live for those nights especially our traditional Friday pizza and movie night which the boys talk about all week long and discuss what movie will be viewed. On weekends where he works nights, we have big elaborate breakfasts together and make sure we go out for a little time in the sunshine before he leaves for work at 2pm.
Sunday morning family time.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
It's definitely not ideal, but it's what works for now. I would love to have a shorter commute, a 30 hour work week so I can have more time at home with my husband and the kids. If we are talking about ideal situation and dreams here, it would be actually making use of my SAG membership and booking a job once or twice a month which would probably actually equal my current salary and working a freelance gig part time, whether it be in photo or a job in casting. (On a side note: acting is REALLY lucrative if you book the right job. I have a friend who booked a Doritos commercial when she was 8, and that one commercial paid for her New York University education. Flo in the Progressive commercials, easily a millionaire.) If I had the dream of booking an acting job once a month while doing freelance work, it would allow me to be the mom chauffeur to all the activities for the kids once that part of parenting begins. That would be the dream/ideal situation. I am however a realist and know that if anything, booking an acting gig would be more of a fun one day, once a year, type thing which would help me supplement our income, and I'm perfectly fine with that too.
Do you see yourself making a career change in the next 5-10 years or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
I don't intend on leaving my industry because I do enjoy it. I can see myself shifting roles within the next 5 years. Whether it be in my current position with new responsibilities, or a different role altogether. I would love to stay in my current position with more responsibility, but with the flexibility to do more work from home. We currently have that ability to work from home (which I have done many nights after the boys are down) but we currently do not have a telecommute policy in place. If I could telecommute 2-3 days out of the week and just come in for meetings and photo shoots, that would be perfect in terms of balancing my life at home. If that were to happen, I could see myself staying here for another 10 years.
Once this little girl is born, I am definitely plan on being more active in working on pursuing acting roles. As I mentioned earlier it will not be a career switch as I would've envisioned when I was in my 20s, but more of a hobby/side gig to help supplement our income. If I book one commercial a year (which hopefully shoots on a weekend), that would be more than sufficient to fulfill my financial goals and scratch my chronic itch to act.
Do you have tips on how you make this work for you?
Like many of the previous posters and as I mentioned above, this works for me because my husband and I have a clear vision of what our goal is as a family. We also work very hard together to achieve our goals, as well as make sure all the little day to day things are taken care of. Together we make sure to make an effort to spend quality time with the kids and each other despite our chaotic schedules. His help and support is absolutely crucial in making all of this work. I truly feel lucky to have him as my husband and the father to my kids.
How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with your role?
I don't really know if I handle it or just live with it. I'm Catholic so I'm supposed to feel guilty about something at all times right? In all seriousness though, it's always there, I don't really know if there is anything I can do to change it. When I'm with my boys I do my best to be present in the moment, and make sure they know that I am paying attention to them. Not cleaning the house, or thinking about unfinished work, or making dinner, but attending to their needs and the attention they deserve so that they know that they are loved. When I'm with them I just push the mommy guilt aside and enjoy the time I'm spending with them. The guilt usually creeps when I'm working and missing them, and at that point there's not really much I can do. I could go and visit them at school, but I can't do that every hour and disrupt their day. I have it, I live with it, but I don't let it cripple me or influence the way I parent my children. I accept that I do feel guilty for not spending as much time with them as I would like, but I still do my best to be the kind of mom I want to be for them. I hope one day they come to understand that this time I spent at work away from them was also for their benefit. My mom was a working mom, and I truly appreciate all the sacrifices she made for me and my brother. I do not resent her one bit for not staying at home, and I hope my boys kids (gotta get used to that since a girl will be in the picture soon) will feel the same way about me too.
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home?
If you have thought long and hard, as well as discussed with your significant other what works best for your family dynamic, and your decision is to return to work, then all will be okay. It is really hard thinking about leaving your child with someone else, especially the last few weeks of maternity leave where your anxiety can be at an all time high, but once you get back to work, all is fine. I believe the key to this is also finding childcare that you absolutely LOVE. Not like, not "they seem okay." You have to LOVE the people that are taking care of your kids. Search high and low for that perfect caregiver because it makes all the difference in the world, for you, your significant other and for your babies.
Also, if you happen to go back to work, and it's not working out, you can always change things. I have had many co workers realize that going back to work is not working out for them, and they do what they need to do so that it becomes possible for them to stay home instead. Nothing is permanent, ever. You can always change things to suit the needs of your family and what makes you happiest, and as long as you prioritize what is best for you and your little ones, it will all be fine.
One last thing to note: Do your best not to compare your situation with others. Do not listen to people who try to make you feel guilty for your decisions. What works for you is what works for you and that is the bottom line. You do not love your kids less for going back to work (even though some people have actually suggested that to me!), the same way you would never say a stay at home mom doesn't "work" because we all know that stay at home moms work so hard at what they do, and it is just as grueling, if not more so than being in the work place. We all do what we do because we love our families, and we as parents should respect everyone's choices, as they should respect ours.
I don't really know if I handle it or just live with it. I'm Catholic so I'm supposed to feel guilty about something at all times right?
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home?
If you have thought long and hard, as well as discussed with your significant other what works best for your family dynamic, and your decision is to return to work, then all will be okay. It is really hard thinking about leaving your child with someone else, especially the last few weeks of maternity leave where your anxiety can be at an all time high, but once you get back to work, all is fine. I believe the key to this is also finding childcare that you absolutely LOVE. Not like, not "they seem okay." You have to LOVE the people that are taking care of your kids. Search high and low for that perfect caregiver because it makes all the difference in the world, for you, your significant other and for your babies.
Also, if you happen to go back to work, and it's not working out, you can always change things. I have had many co workers realize that going back to work is not working out for them, and they do what they need to do so that it becomes possible for them to stay home instead. Nothing is permanent, ever. You can always change things to suit the needs of your family and what makes you happiest, and as long as you prioritize what is best for you and your little ones, it will all be fine.
One last thing to note: Do your best not to compare your situation with others. Do not listen to people who try to make you feel guilty for your decisions. What works for you is what works for you and that is the bottom line. You do not love your kids less for going back to work (even though some people have actually suggested that to me!), the same way you would never say a stay at home mom doesn't "work" because we all know that stay at home moms work so hard at what they do, and it is just as grueling, if not more so than being in the work place. We all do what we do because we love our families, and we as parents should respect everyone's choices, as they should respect ours.
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