Showing posts with label Moms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moms. Show all posts
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Moms Make it Work Erin from Oklahoma
Today we have Erin posting about her life as a physician with three (adorable) kids, and Erin is someone I've 'known' pre-motherhood via the wonderful internet;) When making my list of bloggers I wanted to include in this series, I tried to keep it fairly equal between working moms and stay-at-home moms. Although Erin doesn't blog anymore, I really wanted her take on being a working mom in the healthcare field since she has a different work schedule that most. I'm glad she agreed to post and was not disappointed by her words of wisdom! Enjoy, and find the rest of the series here.
Hello! My name is Erin, and I can be found IG as teamcorbin. I'm a has-been blogger (teamcorbin.blogspot and waitingonforever.com) who met Julia through our nesting days. I love that I've been able to keep up with my “internet friends” through IG, blogs and facebook. I'm a little intimidated about doing this post because all of the ones before me have been so good. What else could I possible have to offer? So, feel free to just scroll through to look at my adorable kids – I won't be offended ;) Also, WOW – this turned out to be long!
-What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?
Aside from a brief period in high school where I wanted to be a mortician (yes...a mortician), I always knew I wanted to be a doctor. I'm not sure I ever seriously considered any other field. Luckily, college was mostly a breeze and I was accepted into medical school after earning my 4 year degree in biology. I completed medical school in 2008 and finished a three year pediatric residency in 2011. I am currently practicing as a pediatric hospitalist which means I only care for kids admitted to the hospital and don't have a clinic of my own. It has been an ideal schedule for us until more recently, which I'll get into later. I currently work ten to fourteen days a month, with each of those days consisting of 24 hours of being on call.
My husband, Heath, and I met the week before I graduated college. I knew pretty much right away that he was “the one”, as cliché as that sounds. We moved in together 7 months later and got married Spring Break of my second year of medical school. We will celebrate our 8 year anniversary next month. Our infertility/failed adoption/fostering journey is (and was) a blog all of it's own. The short version is that we struggled for two years to get pregnant the 'ol fashioned way, had three failed private adoption placements, and decided to give the foster parent thing a try out of desperation for wanting to be parents. At the time, it was more of something to pass the time until we moved forward with in vitro, but looking back I can see how we were clearly placed on that path for a reason. Thru the difficult journey of fostering, and the beautiful gift of adoption, we now have three amazing children. Sam, our 5 year old, came into our lives amidst the chaos of my intern year as a gorgeous, joyful 7 month old. We adopted him two years later. His half sister, Nora joined us at 4 days old and is our spunky, independent two year old diva. Their brother Jack, who just turned one, followed only 11 months later. They are a constant reminder that God's purpose doesn't always match my plans.
-What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?
The best thing about my situation is that I get to do two things that I'm very passionate about – practice medicine and be a mother. My schedule is amazing in that, even when I'm on call for those ten to fourteen days, I have the flexibility to go to my kids' school parties, take them to doctors' appointments and even take care of them at home when they're sick. Ironically, I have my sick two year old sleeping on my chest while I type this post and simultaneously answer pages. Talk about multi-tasking! On my days off service, I still have a few work responsibilities as the medical director of our program, but it allows me to catch up on the normal things that get cast aside while I'm on service (i.e. laundry, dishes, pinterest – ha!). I found very early on, that I really need a few days of alone time in order to feel like I have everything under control in an otherwise stressful house!
The biggest challenge in our situation is finding a balance in it all. I'm sure most working mothers would tell you that regardless of how many hours a day or how many days a week they work. I try to give 100% of myself to everything I do, which makes it difficult if my pager goes off four times while I'm trying to cook dinner and have two toddlers hanging onto my ankles. My weeks on call can be very demanding and I never know when I will get called back to the hospital. I find myself wishing away my weeks on service knowing that I will be so consumed with work, and likely have so many work-related interruptions, that there is no reason to even try to plan fun activities or even leave the house. I often wish I had a job that I could leave at the door when I came home in the evenings or at least address at my own convenience rather than one that constantly pulls me away from my family.
-Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
Yes and no. I have never had the desire to stay at home, and given my career choice, I knew I would always have a job that demanded a lot. My children are my world, but my identity outside of that is important to me too. I get so much joy in being able to take care of sick kids and really love what I do. Thankfully, my kids go to a daycare with providers that adore them and I have an amazing support system takes up where I have to leave off. In that way, this is ideal. On the other hand, doing life with my little family is so important to me and I hate having to miss out on the little things. I'm often absent from lazy, weekend breakfasts and Saturday morning cartoons because I'm rounding at the hospital. There are many dinners where my husband and kids sit and wait for me to answer pages before we can all enjoy our meal. As I mentioned above, I'm ready for better boundaries between my work and home life – which leads us to the next question...
-Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years, or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
We are actually in a transition period right now. We sold our dream house in the big city and are in the midst of building a home and moving away to a more “simple life” on the lake. I'm hanging up my hat as a hospitalist and joining a clinic in an under-served part of the state as an outpatient rural pediatrician. I never imagined I would move out of the city or leave my dream job as a hospitalist, but having kids certainly changes things. I will always practice medicine, but I'm looking forward to something that allows me to give more of myself to my family. This move will allow me to work four days a week, no evenings, no weekends. We will have a nanny that keeps the babies in our home while I'm at work. My husband will be able to work from home and continue to have the same amazing, flexible and supportive job he has now. I'm nervous about the transition and how we will adjust but I'm so excited about the things to come. At the end of the day, I'll gladly trade the convenience of a Starbucks and Whole Foods to remove the distractions and get back to what really matters to us: our family.
-Tips on how you make this work for you?
I absolutely, without a doubt, could not do what I do if it weren't for my husband. He is such an amazing father and is quick to pick up where I have to leave off. He does at least half of the parenting (sometimes more on an exceptionally crazy week at work), a good portion of the housework and rarely makes a complaint. We have a partnership that just works. It makes a huge difference to be able to look across the table at the end of the day and know that no matter how wild the kids are, how many times a drink gets spilled, and how many hours the bedtime routine takes us, we will get through it together. He's been my solid supporter and encourager through so many difficult life transitions and I wouldn't want to do this life with anyone else.
Also, lots of tequila. Kidding. Kind of.
-How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with each role? Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home?
This was something I worried a lot about before even applying to medical school. Ultimately, I know I wouldn't be fulfilled if I didn't have a career. So, it's a continuous struggle to maintain a balance at being a good physician and an even better mom. I think ultimately you just have to try out a few things and figure out what works best for you. Rather than beat myself up because I am at work during the day, I think about all of the fun projects and activities my kids get to do while they're at daycare. Also, our two-income home allows us to go on fun trips and hire a nanny. I also try to be really intentional with the time I do have. Two hours in the evening can be gone before I know it if I am too worried about dishes and laundry to sit and enjoy my children. I certainly don't have it down and it's a constant work in progress, but I think we're finally setting into a routine that works for us – right before we move and it all changes again! My biggest struggle is not feeling like I measure up to other moms out there, but constantly reminding myself that I just can't do it all. Comparison is certainly the biggest thief of my joy. It's hard to get through an exceptionally trying day with fussy children while you see that your IG friend just baked a homemade rhubarb pie with her well-mannered three year old's help in a spotless kitchen. While I love the community I've developed through social media, it's so hard to not compare to the Pinterest moms who seem to have it all together. I think it's important to remember that while you're scrolling through instagram, you're only getting a peek at everyone's “highlight reel” and not their “behind the scenes”. Embrace the kind of mom that YOU are and do it with a smile. My kids may not have had the most creative, homemade valentines or eat gourmet meals each night but we sure do have a mean dance party while we wait for the pizza to be delivered.
Thank you, Erin! The entire Moms Make it Work series is found here.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Moms Make it Work Amy Stay at Home Mom to a Child with Food Allergies
Today on the Moms Make it Work series we have Amy, a reader who emailed me offering her story as a SAHM (who works a bit from home as well), and a mom to a daughter with severe food allergies. Amy blogs at Milwaukee Allergy Mom and I found her post very interesting, especially related to her feelings on being at home with little kids versus older kids. I always wonder how my feelings will evolve as my kids grow up and eventually attend school all day. I cannot even imagine! Nate thinks I will work full time when our kids are older but I really don't see myself having *that* much free time with homework, after-school activities, and weekend tournaments/sports. We will see. Loved Amy's post on how she makes it work and how things change over time. Enjoy!
What is your background story?
- What was your career/schooling before you became a mom?
- Where are you now?
I've always been a student, very academically inclined. A book lover. Seriously, my idea of fun is sitting down to research a subject, analyze it to death, and then write a report on it.
So my career pre-children was perfect for me. I was a researcher at a non-profit, good-government watchdog organization. Basically, I researched and analyzed how local government was spending its money, whether through its various programs, it was being a good steward of the taxpayers' investment.
I loved the different projects I got to work on, I loved the engagement I got to experience with different members of the community, I loved the long hours spent reading and writing.
But there was something else I loved more, and that was my husband and our plans for starting a family. My husband Jonathan and I met when we were seniors in high school. In some ways, ours was a whirlwind romance – we fell in love quickly, we knew we were each other's soul mates and best friends. We decided when we were barely 18 that we wanted to get married.
That was where the whirlwind ended. Because although we were (and still are) madly in love, we are also both extremely practical and responsible. We agreed that marriage should wait until we finished college and had jobs. So that's what we did. We were engaged all through college, and got married a month after graduation, with both of us in secure jobs, Jonathan as a software engineer and me going from my part-time research internship to a full-time research position.
Well, being our practical, responsible selves, we both knew what we wanted in terms of a family. Our mothers had stayed home with us when we were pre-school aged, and we wanted the same thing for our children.
So, when I got pregnant two years into our marriage with our daughter Alex, I told my boss that when she was born, I would be resigning to become a full-time stay-at-home mom. Although he offered me the option to have a more flexible schedule or to go part-time, I was confident that I wanted to be home full-time with Alex. So, in July of 2004, Alex was born, and I became a stay-at-home mom.
Although the overwhelming majority of my time over the past ten years has been spent with my kids, I have also maintained a presence in my career as well. But it's always been on my terms – with the caveat that I am first and foremost a stay-at-home mom and would only work from home during naptimes, or when Jonathan was home with the kids, so that I wasn't taking time away from them. I've done multiple projects for the organization as well as for another organization. That's a huge benefit of the kind of work I do, and I feel grateful for living in the time I live in technologically – it's easy to do this work from home.
Apart from keeping my skills sharp and staying on my colleagues' radar, the continued work has also given me something that I know I would go crazy without – intellectual stimulation. I can always tell when I haven't worked on a project in awhile from my reading choices. I'm always reading something – that's a given. But when I'm working on a project that keeps me intellectually engaged, my reading choices are novels and chick lit. When I haven't had a project for awhile, the post-its and highlighters come out, and I read and take notes on a stack of non-fiction books on whatever subject I'm most interested in learning about at that point. Which is fun – but there's also something less than satisfying about researching and writing when you're not getting any financial compensation for it.
I started really feeling the pressure to do something financially lucrative last year when my younger daughter Wendy started school. As long as I had a child at home with me all day, I felt completely confident in my role as a stay-at-home mom.
However, with both children in school during the day and needing less intensive care when they are home, I feel more and more as if my role has morphed from stay-at-home mom to housewife.
And that's not something I'm comfortable with. I love planning and doing activities with my kids, and even the cooking for my family and errand running with my girls. The cleaning and obsessing over minute housekeeping details while I'm the only one in my home? Not so much.
So, over the past year, I've been working on building my brand as an allergy advocate and writer, getting published here and there, and slowly but surely getting myself back into the job market – albeit a job market that's flexible enough to allow me to maintain my primary role as a stay-at-home mom.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the challenges?
Hands down, the best part of being a stay-at-home mom who works from home a bit on the side is all the time I get to spend with my family.
I love spending lazy summer days with my girls, planning activities with them, taking them places, and being able to share their experiences with them as they grow.
I also love that I have the time to get chores and errands done during the day while the kids are at school and Jonathan is at work. This allows the girls and me to enjoy our time together after school before the dinner and homework rush, for the four of us to spend restful time together as a family before the bedtime rush, and to not have a rush at all on the weekends when the four of us can have fun together.
I also think that, when stay-at-home moms talk about not wanting to go back to work because they wouldn't be able to get everything done, this is what a lot of them are talking about.
I read a book recently, Leslie Bennetts' "The Feminine Mistake", in which the author posits that a stay-at-home mom's choice to become financially dependent on her husband is a huge mistake. In her book, Bennetts dismisses as ridiculous the notion that it is insurmountably difficult for working mothers to provide domestic necessities to their families such as home-cooked meals and fully-stocked pantries: "While the job of feeding a family requires some elementary organizational skills and a willingness to plan a few days ahead, it is hardly impossible, as any number of working women can attest. But stay-at-home mothers typically describe their domestic contributions as if there were no conceivable way a woman could manage to work and also put nutritious food on the table at night." (28)
When I read this, I felt like I had to defend my fellow stay-at-home moms a bit. I don't for one second think I'm indispensable. I know that if I got a full-time job, Jonathan and I would still manage to feed our kids nutritious meals, get the errands done, and accomplish all the homework and extracurriculars (although I am not promising the house would stay clean -- I have a feeling that would be my sacrifice!)
The thing is that I feel like a huge benefit of me being a stay-at-home mom is that all that necessary stuff gets accomplished without us having to rush around. We don't have to sacrifice the leisurely pace that helps us all to recharge and enjoy each other's company.
One more advantage of my situation is that I have the opportunity to be a part of my kids' community -- I'm at their school all the time, I'm friends with their friends' parents, and I am friendly with their teachers and school administrators. This is something that's important to me because I loved my own mom being a part of my school community when I was a kid. I feel like my presence at school helps my kids to feel confident and secure in their place there. I love that I get to see them everyday when I volunteer at lunchtime and get the rundown of what happened in the morning -- before they forget it all by the time I pick them up at the end of the day. They love that they get free reign of the school even during non-school hours because they're there with me setting up for a breakfast or closing up the book fair.
I also love being part of the girls' school community for a very practical reason -- Alex's food allergies. When she started going to school full-day in first grade, I didn't feel comfortable that she would be able to keep herself safe at the lunch table surrounded by peanut butter sandwiches and carrots with ranch dip (She has severe allergies to both peanuts and eggs.). So I took advantage of the school's accommodating volunteer policy to be at lunch everyday. In exchange for cleaning tables in between lunch periods, I got to keep an eye on Alex when she was eating lunch to educate her as she learned how to stay away from her allergens. The fact that I'm at the school everyday also makes me very approachable. Alex's teachers know I'll be there at lunch and often seek me out to ask me questions about buying safe treats for a classroom ice cream party or the principal will ask for my input in EpiPen storage or the advisability of a peanut-free lunch table. Being a stay-at-home mom allows me to gain experience and credibility in something that has become a key part of my identity over the last few years, both as a mother and as a career focus -- a food allergy advocate.
Now, onto the challenges of being a stay-at-home, slightly work-from-home mom. I've already touched on what I feel to be my number one challenge -- my identity is tied too much to my housewifely duties. Just because I'm transitioning from being a hands-on stay-at-home mom of little kids into a mom with more time on her hands during the day while her kids are at school, I sometimes find myself focusing too much on things that don't contribute to being a parent per se, but more to being a housewife -- obsessing over what foods I have in the pantry that need to be eaten, making sure to rid the house of clutter every morning and to make all the beds. And because the nature of cleaning dictates that there's always more to do, I find myself getting so involved in the chores that I don't give myself enough time to write. At base, my challenge is that I feel like I need to be doing something all the time to compensate for the fact that I don't have a paying job and that I don't have kids at home to care for. So I make myself busy cleaning and obsessing over house details because I worry that sitting down and writing would be a waste of time because I'm not getting paid for it. A related challenge that I find from being a stay-at-home mom with kids in school is that being alone in the house leads to me becoming too inward-focused and introspective. As a result, I think about how I'm stuck at home cleaning while my family is out having more interesting adventures. I get resentful because I feel like I'm sacrificing my intellectual pursuits to make a nice house for my family, and I'm just not appreciated enough for it. Of course, I won't deny that there is some truth to my being underappreciated -- I actually think this is an occupational hazard of being a parent -- any type of parent. However, being in the house alone makes me dwell on my role too much, and I have a tendency to forget that even though Jonathan does get to go downtown to work everyday, he is also shouldering the burden of providing financially for us, which isn't easy, and the kids are spending the day at school doing their job as well. None of my family's lives is all roses and butterflies, so sometimes I just need to get over myself.
One more challenge is the flip side to my happiness about being able to be so involved in my kids' lives. Even though both my kids and I love the fact that I'm in their school so much, I also am concerned that they're too dependent on me being there. I want them to grow to be more independent, but just the fact that I'm there all the time means that I naturally do a lot for them, and therefore, they don't have to learn to do some things for themselves.
Is this how you expected your life to be pre-kids?
In terms of the roles that Jonathan and I play in our family ( me as a stay-at-home mom, him as a working dad), this is pretty much exactly the way I expected my life to be pre-kids. And I've really enjoyed it. I've loved being home with the kids for ten years, and I know how lucky we are that Jonathan's salary is plenty for us to live on.
As far as expectations go, I have been surprised by how my feelings have changed as my kids have gotten older. Both before I had kids and while I was in the midst of raising pre-school age kids, I was always very gung-ho in my belief that being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice -- for me. I never had illusions that being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice for every woman, and I wasn't judgmental about other women's choices. But I was always very confident that my being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice for me. As a result of my certainty in those beliefs, I've been kind of blindsided by how much my feelings have changed as my kids have gotten older. I always knew they would grow up and become less dependent on me, but I think that knowledge was always a kind of amorphous, sometime-in-the future kind of understanding. Now that my children's independence is becoming more concrete and in-my-face, I'm surprised by how important having my own career is becoming to me. I'm surprised by the vehemence of my feelings that being a stay-at-home mom isn't enough for me anymore, that I need something outside of my family to define myself. Something that has really been hammered home for me, especially in the last few months, is that it's okay to feel extremely confident that the choice you're making is exactly right for you and your family at the point of life you're in, and then a few years later to feel that a different choice is absolutely right for you and your family. Just because I was confident that my choice to be a stay-at-home mom was right for me when I had two young children doesn't mean that it's wrong to want to be a working mom with older kids.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
Being a stay-at-home mom while keeping a toe in my career from home was absolutely my ideal situation for a long time. Now I'm at a point where I think the ideal situation for both myself and my family would be for me to have more of a real job, but a job with enough flexibility to be there to take the kids to and from school and still maintain a strong volunteer presence at school -- basically changing my focus while the girls are at school from doing chores and errands with just a dab of work to doing intellectually stimulating work with a little bit of house maintenance thrown in. A pipe dream? Could be, but I'm working on it.
Do you see yourself making a career change in the next five to ten years? Or is this current setup for the long haul?
I hope it doesn't take five or ten years for me to achieve the transition I'm looking for! I hope to find a more comfortable role for myself and my family in the next year.
What are your tips for how you make your situation work for you? How do you handle mommy guilt? What advice do you have for new moms struggling with returning to work outside the home, or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?
As my thoughts and feelings about being a stay-at-home mom have changed over the past year, my most profound moments of mommy guilt have been as a result of worrying that I'm planning on moving the goal posts on my girls. My life has revolved around them for their whole lives, and I've been fine with it. Now, all of a sudden, I feel like I need something more, and I worry that such a change isn't fair to them. As a result of this guilt, for several months, I didn't even entertain the idea of taking on a more traditional job; instead, I've been focused on trying to build up my own brand and doing more from-home things that would just work around my main focus of being a stay-at-home mom. But, recently I had a serious discussion with both girls about what the most important things in their lives are for me to a part of. Both of them were very mature and told me that their bottom line is that they want me to be there to volunteer at their lunch periods, they want me to run the book fair, and they want me to be there at bedtime. They're both okay with occasional deviations from the norm -- I can miss a lunch period here and there if I have a meeting, for example. Jonathan has also stepped up to the plate. It's important to him for me to be happy, and he has shown in words and actions that he's willing to take on more of the home responsibilities in order to accommodate me working more. These discussions with my family have made me feel so much better. They understand that writing is important to me, and they want to accommodate me because they love me.
So, my bottom line when confronting mommy guilt is that it isn't something you should confront alone. Don't just sit around dwelling on how what you do will affect your kids. You aren't the only one who makes choices that affect your whole family. If you wouldn't begrudge your talented child from taking on a sport that takes up huge chunks of family time, or your husband from taking a few graduate classes to better his career prospects, don't begrudge yourself opportunities that come along for your own improvement. Your family will adjust, you will adjust. You all love each other, so work together to figure it out.
How do meals work in your family? One may not think that there are benefits to your child being diagnosed with life-threatening food allergies, but there are. One huge benefit is that Jonathan and I have become foodies; we've had to learn to read labels, become creative when cooking (Peanuts aren't hard to leave out of recipes, but try baking and frying without eggs!), and really pay attention to different ingredients and recipes. As a result, we love to cook now.
During the week, I typically cook two dinners, which we then eat on those nights and for leftovers throughout the rest of the work week. Then on a weekend day, when Jonathan has more time, he will cook one of his specialties. Some of the meals that are crowd pleasers for our whole family: 1. Tacos -- We either have regular tacos or a nacho bar; both are big hits with the girls. We usually do chicken tacos since we all love them, but sometimes we make ground beef tacos too, when Jonathan or I get a craving for them. 2. Chicken Pot Pie -- This recipe is seriously addictive; we all drool over it. I make two of them, and the four of us polish them off in two meals. Since the crust is made with buttermilk, I will usually also make buttermilk chicken the same week, as well as a batch of waffles and pancakes. We either eat the pancakes and waffles with bacon, fruit, and muffins as a breakfast for dinner meal, or I let the girls have them for breakfasts for a few days and then freeze the rest to thaw out for special breakfasts for the kids. 3. Pizza -- Jonathan makes wonderful grilled pizza, which he customizes for everyone. He and Wendy like cheese pizza, I like either margherita or feta and spinach, and Alex (She's a little strange in her tastes) likes no sauce, no cheese, just bacon or chicken, broccoli, and she has been known to have french fries on her pizza as well.
Check out my website for more allergy-friendly recipes; Jonathan and I have perfected quite a few!
Check out my website for more allergy-friendly recipes; Jonathan and I have perfected quite a few!How do you keep your house clean?
I don't. Just kidding! (sort of). I am not a fan of house cleaning, but I am a fan of having a clean house. Basically, I make sure have a reasonably clean house every morning (beds made, toys and random clutter put away where it belongs, clean kitchen, and swept floors). After breakfast in the summers, the girls and I will go through the house doing those chores, and after I drop off the girls at school during the year, I will do these chores. Then I have a reasonably clean house to live in throughout the day. The more deep cleaning stuff, we do when we can see it needs to be done. Alex and I do the laundry three times a week. Check out some of my day-in-the-life posts if you're interested in more of the day-to-day details of my cleaning schedule. Thanks to Julia for this series and for showing interest in how I "make it work"; I hope I've been insightful!
{Thank you, Amy! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Moms Make it Work Becca from Minnesota
Our next post is from Becca (beccacali on Instagram), who is Erin's sister-in-law. Erin knew Becca would be perfect for this post and I loved hearing from a fellow healthcare mama with a part time schedule! Also our first mom with three kids---she makes it look so easy, doesn't she? ;)
Hello! You are reading this post because you are a mom, or interested in moms, or randomly ended up here by accident. Welcome. My sister-in-law, Erin (It's All Happening!) told me about Julia's idea for this blog series. I was excited and a bit apprehensive to do a guest post. After all, why would anyone care what my experience has been? But then I sat back and thought about all the blogs I have searched out in my short tenure as a mom and realized the answer is many! We're all looking for guidance, advice, support, and someone to make us feel like we're not quite as alone as we thought. I used to blog, but don't anymore - you can follow me at beccacali on instagram though!
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?
My name is Becca. I grew up in a southern suburb of Minneapolis in a wonderfully loving and crazy family of 7. I am the oldest of five kids, and play my part well, if I do say so myself. I went to St. Olaf College and graduated with a nursing degree. I am 33 years old and married to Joe, a guy who keeps me sane, makes me laugh, loves me despite imperfections, and gave me three beautiful children – Grace, Sam (3 years old), and Elizabeth (8 months).
I am a labor and delivery nurse, and can't imagine doing anything else. Ever. My first nursing job was in labor and delivery at a high-risk, high-volume women's hospital in San Diego. We did close to 8,000 births a year. It was a baby assembly line! I loved everything about that first job. It took very little time to realize this is exactly the plan God had for me. I felt a deep calling to not only be working with laboring women, but also the group of nurses who worked there. To this day I am so very grateful for the opportunity to have worked beside each of them. I learned so much and formed amazing friendships.
Joe and I now live back in Minnesota, in a northern suburb of Minneapolis. I work at a low-risk hospital that encourages a holistic approach to medicine. It's very different from the high risk care I was used to, but it's proved to be challenging enough in different ways. Plus, I adore my colleagues. I am working with a group of women (and a couple dudes) who are in the same phase of life. It's wonderful to be able to relate to my co-workers not only about the job we do but about life as well. We are a great team, and I am proud to be a part of it. I work part-time 12 hour nights, which may sound horrible, but is perfect for me. I am NOT a morning person, so being awake all night and getting to sleep all day suits me just fine.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?
Nurses schedules are fantastic. I think that's one of the best parts of our situation. I do have set shifts, but working some weekends means I have weekdays off. Right now, I'm working just under part time, so I work three 12 hour shifts every two weeks. Pretty dreamy. I have a couple long stretches off, which is nice for the kids (and me), then I work three in a row. By the time my stretch off is done I'm usually ready to go to work and do something a little different. Joe (also an RN) works at a different hospital as a clinical liaison for an acute rehab unit. He has a more traditional schedule (M-F), but still has a decent amount of flexibility.
I think the biggest challenge with my work schedule is my weekend shifts. Since Joe works M-F, we will often try to see family or plan activities over the weekends. I invariably end up having to work on a weekend we are trying to do fun things. Not a huge deal, but it's an annoyance. The plus side is that I always work with the same crew on the weekends and I LOVE my crew.
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
I always pictured kind of a mad house of kids. You know the movie “Return To Me” with Minnie Driver? Well, Bonnie Hunt's character has a bunch of kids and they're all wild and nuts and her husband is a goof and exasperating but loves her so much. Yeah, that's pretty much what I expected to have. Dreams have become a reality, and I love so many things about our chaotic, crazy household. The other day, I had a couple friends over for a play date (another perk to working part time), and one of my friends mentioned several times how “laid back and calm” I was. Loud toys, screaming kids (with glee), running up and down stairs....all pretty much part of my day. What's five more kids?!
Pre-kids I thought a lot about what our family would look like. I could always picture having a few kids. Growing up with four siblings gave me a love of bigger families. I love the richness of a house full of noise and life. Sure, it comes along with extra responsibility and expenses and sleepless nights...but it's also guaranteed to make you happy in a way you never knew existed. I think especially since our road to parenthood was not easy, I've come to appreciate what we have. When I finally got pregnant (with the help of clomid) with Grace and Sam, we found out we were expecting triplets! At 24 weeks, Baby C (Ian) was diagnosed with absent end diastolic flow. There was risk of losing him during the pregnancy, but we opted to wait for delivery since there were two other babies who would be put at great risk with a preterm delivery. We were devastated to learn at 29.5 weeks that Ian's heart had stopped beating. Grace and Sam both had indicators that it was time to be delivered, so that day our children were born. Grace and Sam spent two and three months in the NICU. This time in our lives brought Joe and I even closer together. I also felt God's presence in our lives in an incredible way. Although I don't wish this experience on anyone, the knowledge that so many people are praying for you makes you feel a love and connection that is kind of unexplainable. And oh does God work in mysterious ways. Because as the kids approached their 2nd birthday, Joe and I started talking about MAYBE having another baby. A month later, I found out I was pregnant! Elizabeth was born this past May, and our wild household feels very complete. :)
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
Yes. Plain and simple. Joe and I are both doing something we love. We are very fulfilled by our jobs. I get to do something I love AND spend lots of time with my kids, which is what I wanted to do. It was never a question that I would work part time. I knew the flexibility of a nurses schedule would allow me to work part time while my kids were young, and then work more once they are in school. I feel very fortunate that working part time works for our family right now. It would definitely be nicer to have a bit more in the bank account, but I think we're making things work, and the time I get to spend with the kids is great.
Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years, or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
Nope. I am in this. Forever. Haha! I love what I do!! It doesn't matter if I'm crabby or in a bad mood, when I hit the unit, I'm instantly cheered up. It makes me happy to be there. The only career change I would entertain would be to go back into management. But I don't see that happening in the next 5-10 years. I'd love to get the kids through school, then maybe make a change.
Tips on how you make this work for you?
Communication. Communication. Communication. Joe and I talk about EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. Stupid little things, big important things. What we had for lunch. What we're thinking of doing at the gym tomorrow. Talking about the little things makes talking about the bigs things SO much easier, because you've already established a rhythm. That and good stiff drink every now and then. ;)
How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with each role?
I'm pretty laid back, so I don't think I've ever really felt a ton of guilt in either role. I love going to work, and don't feel bad dropping the kids off at daycare (two doors down! In home! They love it!) while I sleep, or working on the weekends when they get to hang out with Joe all to themselves. I mostly feel guilty about the little things – being impatient, running the kids around town for things I want to get done, cleaning instead of playing with them. I've been trying to remember that a 5 minute investment of my time into doing something like playing dress up or reading a book goes oh so very far in their eyes. The return on that investment is huge.
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?
Just do it. Go back to work, if that has been your plan. You don't know how difficult or easy it will be until you actually do it. Sure, I was sad to leave my kids, and especially our last baby, just knowing it was the last time I'd be off work with a newborn. But then I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had missed my job and my co-workers. Plus, even if you end up trying it and it doesn't work out for you, your kids have seen you try. And you have an experience to teach them something. I think it's really important for our kids to see us try things and fail. Or try and succeed! Talking to them about how hard a task is, then explaining what you did to overcome it. I think one of the ways moms can be really down on themselves these days is when they're trying to be perfect and then fail to meet their own expectation of perfect. You don't need the latest gadget, the most expensive stroller, or the best decorated nursery. You need two arms to squeeze those kids tight, and the words “I love you” to roll off your tongue a hundred times a day. I can't tell you what brand of clothes I had when I was a kid, but I sure as hell can tell you that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mom loves me.
Being a mom is a tough gig. No one said it would be easy and painless. But the beauty of motherhood is that you are not alone. You are part of a network of women who have done this job in so many different ways, and with so many different resources. No one way is right, and what you do is rarely wrong or harmful. Find what works for you. Communicate with your partner. Find time for yourself. Take a bath during nap time instead of cleaning the kitchen. You will thank yourself for it. Your kids will thank you. Pat yourself on the back. And go kiss your babies.
Friday, May 26, 2017
Moms Make it Work Stephanie Part Time Working Mom Solo Parenting
Today we have Stephanie posting for our Moms Make it Work series, who is a long time reader of this blog, and she contacted me asking to write for the series. Stephanie is a Part-Time RN with one adorable daughter, and her husband is in the police academy, living out of state while he finishes his program. So Stephanie is a 'temporary' solo parent during the week which makes her situation a bit unique. I really enjoyed her take on how their family makes it work, and hope you do, too!
Hi mamas! I'm Stephanie from the very neglected blog: Blessed Beyond Measure, and you can find me on Instagram
Blogging has been a tremendous tool in my growth as a woman. From a new, young wife, to a new (ahem…not-so-young) mother, the daily glimpses into the lives of others in similar stages have served as tools in my own growth and confidence. The stories and experiences of other women, seemingly just like me, have helped shape me and allowed me to see a world much bigger than what is right in front of my face. This not-so-little world of blogging is a gift and when so much of what we experience in daily life has the potential to wear us out and tear us down, the opportunity to encourage and celebrate other women is one that I will forever be grateful for. I have always enjoyed Julia's blog, but this series really takes the cake - it is so cool to see how other mother's make their lives work! I have loved reading about how everyone does things differently, but through all of our differences, we all have the same priority: being the best damn moms we can be to the children we love so dearly.
So, without further adieu, and before I hyperventilate out of nervousness because OMG! I AM WRITING ON MY LIFE IN TRANSITION!!!...here is how I {do my best to try and} make it work!
A little background: My husband Ben and I have been married for 7 years and we have one darling daughter, Lydia. We live in the ‘burbs of Portland, OR and I am a Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse at a local children’s hospital and Ben is a Police Officer.
I am fortunate to have found my calling for work early in life and I went to college right out of high school and graduated with my BSN (and a heck-of-a-lot of student loan debt) 4 years later. My husband, however, came about his career in a path a bit more convoluted than mine was. He was 3 years into pursuing a degree in Industrial Design when he felt called to law enforcement. About two years later, at what turned out to be the most perfect time, he started with a local police agency.
I can honestly say that I never imagined myself to be a Police Officer’s wife, but here I am and it’s been pretty great so far! I have been blown away at how much my husband has changed in such a short amount of time, and before my eyes I have seen him become the man he is truly meant to be. It’s awesome! I could not be more proud or absolutely smitten with this man of mine! Ok, that’s enough! I’ll save the sap for my own blog (Ha! As if I’ll actually write a post anytime soon!).
Our family has been on quite the whirlwind adventure the past few years, but we’ve found ourselves constantly counting our blessings because the reality of our life right now is so much sweeter than we imagined it would be!
That’s not to say we haven’t had our share of bumps along the way, and one bump we’re dealing with right now is that we’re not living together...let me explain:
Right now Ben is away studying at the Oregon State Public Safety Academy, and while he is attending it, he is living there, about an hour away from home. We are so fortunate that he has the opportunity to come home every weekend, but for the other five days a week, I am a “single mom” and Ben is living the bachelor life on his own. Obviously, since Ben isn’t here for the day-to-day, I get all the burdens and responsibilities (and joys!) that come with caring for our daughter, home and life on my own.
The hands-down hardest part of this situation is my working. After a stretch of work I was already exhausted, and that’s with Ben helping share the household burdens. Doing it on my own? I felt absolutely overwhelmed! Thankfully (seriously, God’s timing is so perfect!), I only had to do this life and working full-time for a short while, because my boss approved a job-share for a coworker and I, which means I only work half-time (2 days a week). Oh my gosh!! It is glorious!
Even with working 2 days a week (and sometimes I work weekend days, where Ben is home with the baby), I’ve had a heck of a time finding childcare that works for us. We were fortunate to have Ben stay home with Lydia while I worked for nearly 10 months, so when we were needing care outside of the two of us, I felt a little more comfortable because she wasn’t so tiny and new, but I was still afraid. The thought of sending my precious little daughter into the world and having her be at the mercy of a stranger (so dramatic, I know!) scared the daylights of me.
It may not make sense as to why I was so nervous, but I’ll try to explain a little. In my job, I have been exposed to the most awful, vile, terrible things. It is a heartbreaking reality that some people are evil, and children are the innocent victims. I’ve seen horrors inflicted by people you’ve never expect: parents, grandparents, daycare providers…I won’t say more, but just know that I can’t think about letting someone else care for my daughter without every experience flash through my mind.
After two failed trials for childcare, and no options for centers open both early and late enough to cover my full shift (even the center at my hospital!!), my only choice was finding a nanny. This petrified me - I was responsible for choosing someone to spend the entire day alone with my helpless baby. I had to use my judgment to determine if someone was safe enough to leave my most precious gift with. I began to feel absolutely crippled with the decision. My husband tried to be supportive, but he was away and he couldn’t devote the time to obsessing over every little detail like I could. Ultimately, the decision was mine and I was very afraid. This was easily the hardest decision I ever had to make.
I joined care.com and received responses from more qualified people than I could possibly go through. I met with nearly 10 women/girls and exchanged emails with probably 40 others. I was obsessed with finding the most perfect person and every thought and prayer I had over that 30 day period was about finding someone. My deadline for finding someone was coming quickly when I met my very own Mary Poppins. Seriously, this woman is amazing and the second she stepped into my home I knew she was the nanny for us. My fears dissolved and I knew my Lydia would be loved and safely cared for in my absence. Talk about weight lifted!! In fact, to add a little sprinkles to my ice cream sundae of care providers, I actually found another girl who I loved and I now have two amazing women who not only do I trust, but they actually want to spend the day playing and having adventures with my daughter. What a gift!
It wasn’t until I hired my nannies that I realized how much stress I was holding onto about this whole childcare situation. As I look back I know now that it was because it was a test of motherhood. It was the “mama bear” in me rearing her head and I just didn’t know what to do with it. Lydia is my baby and if I could somehow provide a constant bubble of love, safety, joy, sunshine and glitter {non-toxic, of course}, I would in a heartbeat, but since I can’t quite do that, I have to rely on my instincts and learn how to trust them. This whole experience has really helped me feel confident in myself as a mother, as someone who is ultimately responsible for the life of another precious human – it is the most important, incredible, overwhelming and beautifully breathtaking burden and I am honored to get to do it.
The Best Parts:
I feel so fortunate that I get to live my lifelong dream of being home with my daughter, while still fulfilling my career goals. I try to split my two days up, so I really do feel like a stay-at-home mom most of the time. My work/life balance is really wonderful!
I love that I get to spend so much time with Lydia! She is growing and changing every day, so having the opportunity to witness every little thing is so amazing! If I'm not working, I am with her. We do everything together. Everything! Sometimes, this can be challenging, but this season of life is about focusing on what my little one needs, and she needs her mama, so that helps me prioritize what I should and should not do. It a very, very rare occasion that I will do something without my little sidekick. My favorite days are spent being together, running errands together, and splitting a piece of Costco pizza and just living life with my favorite little person. My days have no agenda except being a good mama and trying to make this life as sweet as it can be for my sweet girl.
The Worst Parts:
Um, living alone, for sure! I miss Ben! I miss my husband coming home every day and I hate how quickly our weekends fly by. I know this season is temporary, so I don’t want to complain too much, but so much alone time gets old really quickly!
I have to deal with every little catastrophe on my own. When our second car stopped running, I had to figure out a way to get it to the shop. When our nanny got super sick one day, I had to find an emergency back-up care plan while I was working. When Lydia got Hand, Foot and Mouth, I had to deal with our first feverish, cranky baby all on my own. Every middle-of-the-night wake up and every surprise poop in the bathtub. I take out the trash, do the laundry, make sure the toilets are clean and our cupboards have at least enough food to live off of. I run to the bank, make all the phone calls and ensure someone is available to care for Lydia while I’m working. Me. I get it all.
This is a heavy burden, especially when I’m used to having someone else to lean on. It’s been a hard adjustment to say the least. Ben does his best to be present and helpful when he is home on the weekends, but he is exhausted too and just wants to spend time with his girls. He misses being home and I don't think it's fair to throw a laundry-list of chores his way every weekend. I try to honor that as best I can, which just means I have more to add to my plate every Monday.
Parents who do this alone all the time, you are amazing! I am so often overwhelmed and there is a very clear “end-date” to all of my aloneness. I have so much respect and admiration for people who carry all of the burdens of a family on their own shoulders! If you know someone doing this right now, buy them a coffee and tell them how freaking awesome they are! Better yet, go to their house with that coffee and fold a basket of laundry while they take a nap.
Is this our ideal situation?
No, but it’s very close. Obviously, in an ideal situation, we’d live together as a family.
If we’re talking ideals, like ideal ideals, I’d love to only work one day a week! I know, I know – common, lady! You only work 2 days a week as it is! I think 1 day a week would be so lovely, especially when we had another baby or two to our little mix. Ben’s dangled this carrot in front of me a time or two, and it’s definitely not the right decision for us right now, but maybe after we pay our student loans off we’ll be able to mange it.
Oh, and I’d love for the grandparents to move closer. I’d love for them to be a part of our children’s daily lives the way mine were when I was growing up. Plus, it’d be wonderful to have some options for (free!) help for the little things like grocery shopping and having my hair done.
Do I see myself making a career change in the next 5 – 10 years?
Nope! I LOVE my job. I love that I have the opportunity to care for children and families in some of their darkest days. When I tell people what I do, I am almost always greeted with a face of disbelief, as if I am some sicko-freak who loves to see children suffer. Obviously, that isn’t true! It is truly an honor for me to be able to do my small part to bring peace and comfort to a child in need. It is my greatest privilege to walk beside parents as they are literally living in the midst of their nightmares, and if I can do anything to make that situation just a tiny bit less scary and awful, than I consider myself absolutely blessed to do what I do.
How I make this work:
Honestly, most days I don’t feel like I know what the heck I’m doing! However, my daughter is thriving, my house is only partly a disaster, and my marriage is blissfully intact, so I must be doing something right. There are a few things that I couldn’t do this part-time single-mom my life without.
They are:
- My nannies. I still need to work, and my job isn’t really conducive to having a toddler strapped to my back, so having someone to rely on while I go to work is vital.
- Baby Bootcamp. Three days a week, I load Lydia up and meet a group of local moms at the park to workout. We keep the babies in the strollers, tending to them as needed, and spend an hour getting a serious sweat on (this isn’t pushing your strollers around a path, y’all, it’s a for-reals, muscle-ripping workout!). This has been so good for my body, my mind and my socialization! I’ve lost pounds and inches and made some wonderful friends in the process. An added bonus, after some playtime with her buddies, Lydia is totally ready for a nap, which give me a few hours to myself. I highly suggest checking out a Baby Bootcamp if you have the opportunity!
- Naptime. For some reason, I swore I wouldn’t be the mom who looked forward to her kids going to sleep (how judgy we are before we are in the thick of it!), but holy moly, toddlers are exhausting! I need those precious few hours of quiet. Sometimes I’m productive during Lydia’s naps, but most of the time, I use it to shower, eat lunch without sharing and watch some trash TV (Scandal, anyone?). I crave my little afternoon oasis! It’s just the break I need in order to be genuinely excited to see her little bootie wiggle awake again.
- My job. Loving my job makes going to work so much easier. I don’t know if I could do it if I didn’t like what I was doing. I also have the most wonderfully supportive co-workers, who have switched and covered days for me while I juggled finding childcare. They’ve offered to help however is needed, and given me lots of opportunities to get out of the house and break up the monotony of every day.
- My friends. Seriously, where would we be without our girlfriends? Being a grown up with kids and a husband would not be survivable without an army of women behind you! From play dates, to happy hours, shopping trips and just cups of coffee on my couch (despite the chaos of toddler toys around us), my girlfriends have kept me sane.
- My husband. Yep, I’m saying I’m a single-mom, but really, I can make no such claim. I have a very attentive, committed, wonderful husband. Even though he is away, he’s not really gone. This situation is temporary and it helps to remind myself that he is doing this for the benefit of our family. When he comes home, he jumps right back into our life. He is the best dad and Lydia and I’m pretty fond of him as a partner in this crazy life.
- iCal. I am a slave to my calendar. I keep every appointment on it, and if it’s not on there, it doesn’t happen.
Oh, man! The mommy guilt! Whether it’s about the amount of quality time I’ve spent with Lydia that day, the fact that I didn’t make her own food, or if I’ve spent too much time away from home that day, something always gets me! If I allow myself to venture down this rabbit hole of negativity I can get pretty deep, but I try to stop myself before I do. Usually, when I’m feeling particularly crappy, I make myself put down whatever I’m doing and crawl on the floor with my baby. I chase and tickle her until she erupts in a ball of giggles and we smooch and snuggle until my heart feels better. Her little smile and the way she squeals as she runs into my arms reminds me that I am the most important person in her world. The thought of that is mind-boggling, for sure! The weight of such an intense responsibility can sometimes be so heavy, but then, when I focus on the fact that I love that little girl with every fiber of my being, and all I want for her is good, I am reminded that I was chosen to be her mother. I was chosen. I was given this perfect gift. Me, with all my failings and short-comings, I am the only one who can love her the best, and somehow, dwelling on those thoughts calms me and helps me put aside any bit of doubt or guilt and I just go back to being a mom.
How I maintain my house:
Hahahahaha!! Excuse me…I have to catch my breath, I’m laughing so hard! My house is always one the very border of chaos. I try to contain the majority of mess to one room, so that at least my main living area is put together. I tend to suck at tidying, but I’m pretty good at deep cleaning and organizing, though I make a big mess in the process. I usually devote an hour or so to picking up after Lydia is in bed. At the very minimum I put all the toys away and clean the kitchen. We also have a Roomba vacuum and he's in charge of keeping the carpets clean.
Cooking is not one of my spiritual gifts. I don’t like it and I am not good at it. My poor husband! The first meal I ever made him was Rice-A-Roni with canned chicken. OMG. My skills have gotten slightly better, but not much, unfortunately. Every week Ben asks “What do you eat? We have no groceries!” I vowed to not get take-out while Ben was away, and so far, I’ve been faithful to that, but I don’t count my local market’s salad bar and deli! I tend to make very easy meals when it’s just me - lots of eggs and toast, salads or quinoa with ground turkey. Easy and thoughtless.
Any advice for moms contemplating going back to work or staying home?
You know what is right for you family. If you know you are supposed to go to work, go for it! If your heart yearns to be home with your babies, figure out a way to make it happen! Only you and your husband can make this decision for your family, please don’t let anyone else’s opinion sway you one way or another! Remember, YOU are the only one who can love your children best, and that means, whatever decision you make is absolutely the right one!
As someone who does both, my advice would be this:
Working moms, find a care provider you trust implicitly. You will never be able to focus on your job if you are anxious and worried about your baby. It may take some trial and error before you find the right fit for you, but rest assured that the right person is out there. Also, don’t bother with any guilt over daycare or nannies. That is crap! Whatever you choose for your children, as long as you are comfortable with the care, and your baby is being safely attended to, that is the right decision!
SAH moms, get out of your house! Those four walls become too small too quickly and you’ll go crazy if you don’t get out and experience the world every so often. Go for walks (or better yet, find a Bootcamp!!), do story time at the library, plan picnics in the backyard for your best friend and her kids, pack a bag of snacks and set your kid on your lap and get your toes done (bust out the iPad with a movie, if needed!). Whatever it is, do something on a regular basis where you get to interact with other adults. I would suggest this for working moms, too.
We are not meant to do this life alone. We all need a tribe. A network of support and love. That’s what’s been so lovely about this MMIW series. We are all very different women, from very different parts of the country, with very different situations, but we all have the same ultimate goal: to give our children the best of ourselves. If we can encourage one another in our journey, that is an awesome gift!
I’ll sign off with this: Mama, you are doing a great job! Especially you mamas doing this alone: YOU ARE AMAZING! Did you hear me? Let these words really sink in: you are amazing! The days are so long, I know, but the years are short, and the sacrifices and work you do every day is building a beautiful foundation of love for your children to stand on for the rest of their lives. Give yourself a giant hug from me, and keep on doing your thang, mama - you are awesome!
{Thanks, Stephanie! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
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