Showing posts with label Stay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stay. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Moms Make it Work Amy Stay at Home Mom to a Child with Food Allergies
Today on the Moms Make it Work series we have Amy, a reader who emailed me offering her story as a SAHM (who works a bit from home as well), and a mom to a daughter with severe food allergies. Amy blogs at Milwaukee Allergy Mom and I found her post very interesting, especially related to her feelings on being at home with little kids versus older kids. I always wonder how my feelings will evolve as my kids grow up and eventually attend school all day. I cannot even imagine! Nate thinks I will work full time when our kids are older but I really don't see myself having *that* much free time with homework, after-school activities, and weekend tournaments/sports. We will see. Loved Amy's post on how she makes it work and how things change over time. Enjoy!
What is your background story?
- What was your career/schooling before you became a mom?
- Where are you now?
I've always been a student, very academically inclined. A book lover. Seriously, my idea of fun is sitting down to research a subject, analyze it to death, and then write a report on it.
So my career pre-children was perfect for me. I was a researcher at a non-profit, good-government watchdog organization. Basically, I researched and analyzed how local government was spending its money, whether through its various programs, it was being a good steward of the taxpayers' investment.
I loved the different projects I got to work on, I loved the engagement I got to experience with different members of the community, I loved the long hours spent reading and writing.
But there was something else I loved more, and that was my husband and our plans for starting a family. My husband Jonathan and I met when we were seniors in high school. In some ways, ours was a whirlwind romance – we fell in love quickly, we knew we were each other's soul mates and best friends. We decided when we were barely 18 that we wanted to get married.
That was where the whirlwind ended. Because although we were (and still are) madly in love, we are also both extremely practical and responsible. We agreed that marriage should wait until we finished college and had jobs. So that's what we did. We were engaged all through college, and got married a month after graduation, with both of us in secure jobs, Jonathan as a software engineer and me going from my part-time research internship to a full-time research position.
Well, being our practical, responsible selves, we both knew what we wanted in terms of a family. Our mothers had stayed home with us when we were pre-school aged, and we wanted the same thing for our children.
So, when I got pregnant two years into our marriage with our daughter Alex, I told my boss that when she was born, I would be resigning to become a full-time stay-at-home mom. Although he offered me the option to have a more flexible schedule or to go part-time, I was confident that I wanted to be home full-time with Alex. So, in July of 2004, Alex was born, and I became a stay-at-home mom.
Although the overwhelming majority of my time over the past ten years has been spent with my kids, I have also maintained a presence in my career as well. But it's always been on my terms – with the caveat that I am first and foremost a stay-at-home mom and would only work from home during naptimes, or when Jonathan was home with the kids, so that I wasn't taking time away from them. I've done multiple projects for the organization as well as for another organization. That's a huge benefit of the kind of work I do, and I feel grateful for living in the time I live in technologically – it's easy to do this work from home.
Apart from keeping my skills sharp and staying on my colleagues' radar, the continued work has also given me something that I know I would go crazy without – intellectual stimulation. I can always tell when I haven't worked on a project in awhile from my reading choices. I'm always reading something – that's a given. But when I'm working on a project that keeps me intellectually engaged, my reading choices are novels and chick lit. When I haven't had a project for awhile, the post-its and highlighters come out, and I read and take notes on a stack of non-fiction books on whatever subject I'm most interested in learning about at that point. Which is fun – but there's also something less than satisfying about researching and writing when you're not getting any financial compensation for it.
I started really feeling the pressure to do something financially lucrative last year when my younger daughter Wendy started school. As long as I had a child at home with me all day, I felt completely confident in my role as a stay-at-home mom.
However, with both children in school during the day and needing less intensive care when they are home, I feel more and more as if my role has morphed from stay-at-home mom to housewife.
And that's not something I'm comfortable with. I love planning and doing activities with my kids, and even the cooking for my family and errand running with my girls. The cleaning and obsessing over minute housekeeping details while I'm the only one in my home? Not so much.
So, over the past year, I've been working on building my brand as an allergy advocate and writer, getting published here and there, and slowly but surely getting myself back into the job market – albeit a job market that's flexible enough to allow me to maintain my primary role as a stay-at-home mom.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the challenges?
Hands down, the best part of being a stay-at-home mom who works from home a bit on the side is all the time I get to spend with my family.
I love spending lazy summer days with my girls, planning activities with them, taking them places, and being able to share their experiences with them as they grow.
I also love that I have the time to get chores and errands done during the day while the kids are at school and Jonathan is at work. This allows the girls and me to enjoy our time together after school before the dinner and homework rush, for the four of us to spend restful time together as a family before the bedtime rush, and to not have a rush at all on the weekends when the four of us can have fun together.
I also think that, when stay-at-home moms talk about not wanting to go back to work because they wouldn't be able to get everything done, this is what a lot of them are talking about.
I read a book recently, Leslie Bennetts' "The Feminine Mistake", in which the author posits that a stay-at-home mom's choice to become financially dependent on her husband is a huge mistake. In her book, Bennetts dismisses as ridiculous the notion that it is insurmountably difficult for working mothers to provide domestic necessities to their families such as home-cooked meals and fully-stocked pantries: "While the job of feeding a family requires some elementary organizational skills and a willingness to plan a few days ahead, it is hardly impossible, as any number of working women can attest. But stay-at-home mothers typically describe their domestic contributions as if there were no conceivable way a woman could manage to work and also put nutritious food on the table at night." (28)
When I read this, I felt like I had to defend my fellow stay-at-home moms a bit. I don't for one second think I'm indispensable. I know that if I got a full-time job, Jonathan and I would still manage to feed our kids nutritious meals, get the errands done, and accomplish all the homework and extracurriculars (although I am not promising the house would stay clean -- I have a feeling that would be my sacrifice!)
The thing is that I feel like a huge benefit of me being a stay-at-home mom is that all that necessary stuff gets accomplished without us having to rush around. We don't have to sacrifice the leisurely pace that helps us all to recharge and enjoy each other's company.
One more advantage of my situation is that I have the opportunity to be a part of my kids' community -- I'm at their school all the time, I'm friends with their friends' parents, and I am friendly with their teachers and school administrators. This is something that's important to me because I loved my own mom being a part of my school community when I was a kid. I feel like my presence at school helps my kids to feel confident and secure in their place there. I love that I get to see them everyday when I volunteer at lunchtime and get the rundown of what happened in the morning -- before they forget it all by the time I pick them up at the end of the day. They love that they get free reign of the school even during non-school hours because they're there with me setting up for a breakfast or closing up the book fair.
I also love being part of the girls' school community for a very practical reason -- Alex's food allergies. When she started going to school full-day in first grade, I didn't feel comfortable that she would be able to keep herself safe at the lunch table surrounded by peanut butter sandwiches and carrots with ranch dip (She has severe allergies to both peanuts and eggs.). So I took advantage of the school's accommodating volunteer policy to be at lunch everyday. In exchange for cleaning tables in between lunch periods, I got to keep an eye on Alex when she was eating lunch to educate her as she learned how to stay away from her allergens. The fact that I'm at the school everyday also makes me very approachable. Alex's teachers know I'll be there at lunch and often seek me out to ask me questions about buying safe treats for a classroom ice cream party or the principal will ask for my input in EpiPen storage or the advisability of a peanut-free lunch table. Being a stay-at-home mom allows me to gain experience and credibility in something that has become a key part of my identity over the last few years, both as a mother and as a career focus -- a food allergy advocate.
Now, onto the challenges of being a stay-at-home, slightly work-from-home mom. I've already touched on what I feel to be my number one challenge -- my identity is tied too much to my housewifely duties. Just because I'm transitioning from being a hands-on stay-at-home mom of little kids into a mom with more time on her hands during the day while her kids are at school, I sometimes find myself focusing too much on things that don't contribute to being a parent per se, but more to being a housewife -- obsessing over what foods I have in the pantry that need to be eaten, making sure to rid the house of clutter every morning and to make all the beds. And because the nature of cleaning dictates that there's always more to do, I find myself getting so involved in the chores that I don't give myself enough time to write. At base, my challenge is that I feel like I need to be doing something all the time to compensate for the fact that I don't have a paying job and that I don't have kids at home to care for. So I make myself busy cleaning and obsessing over house details because I worry that sitting down and writing would be a waste of time because I'm not getting paid for it. A related challenge that I find from being a stay-at-home mom with kids in school is that being alone in the house leads to me becoming too inward-focused and introspective. As a result, I think about how I'm stuck at home cleaning while my family is out having more interesting adventures. I get resentful because I feel like I'm sacrificing my intellectual pursuits to make a nice house for my family, and I'm just not appreciated enough for it. Of course, I won't deny that there is some truth to my being underappreciated -- I actually think this is an occupational hazard of being a parent -- any type of parent. However, being in the house alone makes me dwell on my role too much, and I have a tendency to forget that even though Jonathan does get to go downtown to work everyday, he is also shouldering the burden of providing financially for us, which isn't easy, and the kids are spending the day at school doing their job as well. None of my family's lives is all roses and butterflies, so sometimes I just need to get over myself.
One more challenge is the flip side to my happiness about being able to be so involved in my kids' lives. Even though both my kids and I love the fact that I'm in their school so much, I also am concerned that they're too dependent on me being there. I want them to grow to be more independent, but just the fact that I'm there all the time means that I naturally do a lot for them, and therefore, they don't have to learn to do some things for themselves.
Is this how you expected your life to be pre-kids?
In terms of the roles that Jonathan and I play in our family ( me as a stay-at-home mom, him as a working dad), this is pretty much exactly the way I expected my life to be pre-kids. And I've really enjoyed it. I've loved being home with the kids for ten years, and I know how lucky we are that Jonathan's salary is plenty for us to live on.
As far as expectations go, I have been surprised by how my feelings have changed as my kids have gotten older. Both before I had kids and while I was in the midst of raising pre-school age kids, I was always very gung-ho in my belief that being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice -- for me. I never had illusions that being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice for every woman, and I wasn't judgmental about other women's choices. But I was always very confident that my being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice for me. As a result of my certainty in those beliefs, I've been kind of blindsided by how much my feelings have changed as my kids have gotten older. I always knew they would grow up and become less dependent on me, but I think that knowledge was always a kind of amorphous, sometime-in-the future kind of understanding. Now that my children's independence is becoming more concrete and in-my-face, I'm surprised by how important having my own career is becoming to me. I'm surprised by the vehemence of my feelings that being a stay-at-home mom isn't enough for me anymore, that I need something outside of my family to define myself. Something that has really been hammered home for me, especially in the last few months, is that it's okay to feel extremely confident that the choice you're making is exactly right for you and your family at the point of life you're in, and then a few years later to feel that a different choice is absolutely right for you and your family. Just because I was confident that my choice to be a stay-at-home mom was right for me when I had two young children doesn't mean that it's wrong to want to be a working mom with older kids.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
Being a stay-at-home mom while keeping a toe in my career from home was absolutely my ideal situation for a long time. Now I'm at a point where I think the ideal situation for both myself and my family would be for me to have more of a real job, but a job with enough flexibility to be there to take the kids to and from school and still maintain a strong volunteer presence at school -- basically changing my focus while the girls are at school from doing chores and errands with just a dab of work to doing intellectually stimulating work with a little bit of house maintenance thrown in. A pipe dream? Could be, but I'm working on it.
Do you see yourself making a career change in the next five to ten years? Or is this current setup for the long haul?
I hope it doesn't take five or ten years for me to achieve the transition I'm looking for! I hope to find a more comfortable role for myself and my family in the next year.
What are your tips for how you make your situation work for you? How do you handle mommy guilt? What advice do you have for new moms struggling with returning to work outside the home, or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?
As my thoughts and feelings about being a stay-at-home mom have changed over the past year, my most profound moments of mommy guilt have been as a result of worrying that I'm planning on moving the goal posts on my girls. My life has revolved around them for their whole lives, and I've been fine with it. Now, all of a sudden, I feel like I need something more, and I worry that such a change isn't fair to them. As a result of this guilt, for several months, I didn't even entertain the idea of taking on a more traditional job; instead, I've been focused on trying to build up my own brand and doing more from-home things that would just work around my main focus of being a stay-at-home mom. But, recently I had a serious discussion with both girls about what the most important things in their lives are for me to a part of. Both of them were very mature and told me that their bottom line is that they want me to be there to volunteer at their lunch periods, they want me to run the book fair, and they want me to be there at bedtime. They're both okay with occasional deviations from the norm -- I can miss a lunch period here and there if I have a meeting, for example. Jonathan has also stepped up to the plate. It's important to him for me to be happy, and he has shown in words and actions that he's willing to take on more of the home responsibilities in order to accommodate me working more. These discussions with my family have made me feel so much better. They understand that writing is important to me, and they want to accommodate me because they love me.
So, my bottom line when confronting mommy guilt is that it isn't something you should confront alone. Don't just sit around dwelling on how what you do will affect your kids. You aren't the only one who makes choices that affect your whole family. If you wouldn't begrudge your talented child from taking on a sport that takes up huge chunks of family time, or your husband from taking a few graduate classes to better his career prospects, don't begrudge yourself opportunities that come along for your own improvement. Your family will adjust, you will adjust. You all love each other, so work together to figure it out.
How do meals work in your family? One may not think that there are benefits to your child being diagnosed with life-threatening food allergies, but there are. One huge benefit is that Jonathan and I have become foodies; we've had to learn to read labels, become creative when cooking (Peanuts aren't hard to leave out of recipes, but try baking and frying without eggs!), and really pay attention to different ingredients and recipes. As a result, we love to cook now.
During the week, I typically cook two dinners, which we then eat on those nights and for leftovers throughout the rest of the work week. Then on a weekend day, when Jonathan has more time, he will cook one of his specialties. Some of the meals that are crowd pleasers for our whole family: 1. Tacos -- We either have regular tacos or a nacho bar; both are big hits with the girls. We usually do chicken tacos since we all love them, but sometimes we make ground beef tacos too, when Jonathan or I get a craving for them. 2. Chicken Pot Pie -- This recipe is seriously addictive; we all drool over it. I make two of them, and the four of us polish them off in two meals. Since the crust is made with buttermilk, I will usually also make buttermilk chicken the same week, as well as a batch of waffles and pancakes. We either eat the pancakes and waffles with bacon, fruit, and muffins as a breakfast for dinner meal, or I let the girls have them for breakfasts for a few days and then freeze the rest to thaw out for special breakfasts for the kids. 3. Pizza -- Jonathan makes wonderful grilled pizza, which he customizes for everyone. He and Wendy like cheese pizza, I like either margherita or feta and spinach, and Alex (She's a little strange in her tastes) likes no sauce, no cheese, just bacon or chicken, broccoli, and she has been known to have french fries on her pizza as well.
Check out my website for more allergy-friendly recipes; Jonathan and I have perfected quite a few!
Check out my website for more allergy-friendly recipes; Jonathan and I have perfected quite a few!How do you keep your house clean?
I don't. Just kidding! (sort of). I am not a fan of house cleaning, but I am a fan of having a clean house. Basically, I make sure have a reasonably clean house every morning (beds made, toys and random clutter put away where it belongs, clean kitchen, and swept floors). After breakfast in the summers, the girls and I will go through the house doing those chores, and after I drop off the girls at school during the year, I will do these chores. Then I have a reasonably clean house to live in throughout the day. The more deep cleaning stuff, we do when we can see it needs to be done. Alex and I do the laundry three times a week. Check out some of my day-in-the-life posts if you're interested in more of the day-to-day details of my cleaning schedule. Thanks to Julia for this series and for showing interest in how I "make it work"; I hope I've been insightful!
{Thank you, Amy! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Moms Make it Work Vanessa RJ Working Mom Stay at Home Dad
Today we have a special entry for the Moms Make it Work series, with Vanessa posting as a working mom and her husband, RJ also wrote for the post as a Stay at Home Dad. I loved reading both of their responses to the questions because it felt a bit like sitting in on a deep conversation with this parenting team. Plus, RJ's obvious love for being a SAHD made me tear up a bit while reading this post. Besides this great dynamic between husband and wife within the actual post, um...they live in a 'dry cabin' in Alaska. What? I know, so cool to read about that part of their lives, too! Enjoy!
Hello readers! Thanks to Julia for this series - I have loved reading all the entries and found it helpful to read about all the different ways that families make things work. Originally, we had planned to write this entry when RJ was a stay-at-home Dad, but it took us forever to get around to sitting down together to do it and in the meantime he found a job he is excited to start! So by the time you read this, we’ll be onto a new normal, but I interviewed him about his experiences “making it work” since the upcoming changes are bittersweet. (I answered some of the questions that he didn’t want to.) Hopefully someone will find this helpful in the way that I have found it helpful to read the other entries.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?
My husband is a Native Alaskan of Ahtna and Eyak descent. He was born in Anchorage and other than one year “Outside” to play college football, he has lived in Alaska his whole life. He earned a BS degree in physics at the University of Alaska Fairbanks (UAF) and we met while he working as a programmer in the space physics department. He is a total computer nerd and has worked various jobs as a programmer, data analyst, network engineer, and stay-at-home dad for the past 6 months. Now he is about to start a job as a software support specialist in medical IT at the hospital here in Fairbanks. We were friends for years before he finally convinced me to go on a date with him.
I am from the western United States (New Mexico, Texas, Colorado) and followed family tradition after high school to attend Texas A&M University (whoop!) to study physics and Spanish. I joined the Peace Corps after college and taught high school for two years in Tanzania. At that point I wanted to go somewhere cold, and met RJ while earning my master’s degree at UAF. While in grad school, I worked as a teacher aide for a distance education physics class for students in rural village schools. Since that was a part-time gig, I also waited tables and tended bar. Now I work at a non-profit housing research center as a research scientist, and still bartend part-time.
RJ asked me to marry him in 2010. At the time, we were both working full-time and really hadn’t thought that much about kids. Our income went to paying off school loans and plane tickets - attending family events like weddings isn’t cheap when you are starting in Alaska. To save money, we sold one of cars that didn’t work anyway, leaving us with one car to share and bicycles, and moved into a one-room dry cabin, or a cabin with no plumbing. We got married in 2012.
[What?!? A few things about this...one, dry cabins are pretty common in Interior Alaska (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2014/04/23/1-6-million-americans-dont-have-indoor-plumbing-heres-where-they-live/) and two, they have a lot of advantages in our climate. In fact, we live in a neighborhood with over 100 other dry cabins right across from the university. Rent up here is expensive (often more than $1000 a month if you want a place with water) and much of the land is permafrost, meaning that you can’t put in a septic system because it would thaw the ground. Dry cabins also have the distinct advantage of not having to pay to steam thaw frozen pipes when the temperature gets to -40 Fahrenheit in the winter...a side effect of many of the residences up here being built during the oil boom with it was cheap to heat and insulating homes well wasn’t a big concern. And, yeah, the small one-room cabin makes the heating bill a lot more attractive than a bigger place.]
When we talked about having kids, I think we both always had this vague idea that if we had kids then it would happen when we had a nice house, nice jobs, and two cars. But eventually I think we just realized that if you wait until things are “perfect” then you are going to be waiting a long time. So our son was born in February 2014 and we are 1000 times happy that he is here and he is healthy.
As for deciding for RJ to stay home, I think getting pregnant caught us both a little off-guard since we had never really talked about what we would do if we actually had a kid. We (obviously) are not really people who spend a lot of time making plans. At the time, I was working my two current jobs, and RJ was working for a small IT firm that set up and maintained networks around town. His job didn’t have family medical leave (since they have less than 50 employees), health insurance, or retirement. Also, the hours were pretty long, frequently requiring him to work nights and weekends even when he didn’t want overtime. He was wanting to take a class or two at the university to earn some more IT certifications and the job didn’t allow the flexibility for him to do that. Having John was the catalyst for him to be able to leave that job on a high note - it was great experience and he liked the work - but still be able to be home with John and earn his certifications at night. On the other hand, my full-time job was/is enjoyable, does not require OT, offers health insurance, and has so many other benefits - great co-workers, the shower (!), and it is located only 3 miles from our cabin, making a bike or walking commute easy. Unfortunately, it also did not offer FML in the traditional sense because it too has less than 50 employees. However, the management worked with me to allow me to take two weeks off and then work part-time (30 hours) for 3 months and still keep my health insurance after John was born. Bartending is, well, still to date the most lucrative job either of us have ever worked. Ha! And I work at a small bar in a hotel, not anything crazy like a club or something. I took a few weeks off there and then went back in time for the March tourist season for my two nights a week.
As you read this, things will have changed. RJ will be working full-time at the hospital, a job with traditional benefits. This will allow me to work part-time and be at home part-time. The hospital has a daycare where John can attend part-time. I asked RJ some questions though, looking back on the last 6 months.
I loved having you home. Practically, it was so nice having someone at home. I didn’t have to worry about John having to get up and going, and you took care of so many chores, like changing oil in the car and the grocery store, so the weekends were more relaxing. But mostly, I loved that you sent me pictures of John during the day, and that you told me about the funny/good/bad things that happened. I liked coming home to a warm, friendly cabin with both of you there to greet me. I loved watching the two of you interact, and listen to you talk about your routine, and seeing how John grew to always want to know that you were around. It makes me smile every time he is concentrating on something, like learning to crawl, and he’ll just pause and look around to see where you are. I imagine him thinking, “Oh, ok, there you are Dad. Watch this! I can rock back and forth.” When you went dipnetting for the weekend to get our salmon, he would cry and I would go to comfort him, and when he was calm, he would always look around, I think wondering where you were. I’ll never forget his huge smile when you walked in the door. What were your favorite parts about being a stay-at-home Dad?
Spending time with John has been the best time of my life. I was woefully unprepared to be a parent, but I like to think John and I raised each other each day. He taught me to be gentle and patient while I helped him grow. There are so many wonderful things about being a stay at home Dad, so it’s hard to pick one. I’ll be brief and say that the look on his face when he learns something new is the greatest joy. The smile he has and look of achievement he gave me when he first grasped his rattle, the smile he showed the first time he was up on his hands and knees, and the reaction he displayed after his first solid foods, are a few examples.
I didn’t like when you tried to bake (that sourdough bread was gross!) or when I would come home and you were like “John slept all day and I played a few hours of Diablo to unwind, want to see my character?” Umm, hello jealously, ha, ha, although that didn’t happen often. For about a month, I really resented you too - I’d be getting ready to go to work in the dark, and you and John would still be sleeping peacefully. And I was like, I want to be asleep! I was just up all night with John and now I want to sleep! And pumping (milk) sucks! But then I came around and I wasn’t resentful anymore. There were too many things I appreciated that you did, and I saw how you and John were interacting, that I became grateful you were still sleeping when I left, so you could both get the extra rest. Finally, I was nervous that if John got older and you were still at home with him, one day I would walk in and be ambushed by nerf guns! What were the challenges of staying at home for you?
I realized early on how selfish I had been my whole life. I always wanted my way and I used to make you conform to my way as well. John doesn’t do things my way and I’ve learned to accept and love him for it. I believe that the patience and understanding I’ve learned from my time with him have helped me in every aspect of life. I’m more understanding of you, my wife, and to the world at large.
I gave “kids” not a lot of thought before we had John. Even when I was preggo we were so busy with you working OT at your job to finish up that I felt like I pushed things like THE FUTURE to the back of mind. How did you expect it to be before he was born? What came true? What was different than you expected?
I had no idea what to expect even after partially reading a book (in contrast Vanessa read many many books), so I prepared myself for the unexpected. My father was a police officer for 27 years and taught me skills to deal with the unknown. He went to work everyday not knowing what he would see or do. As he raised me, he taught me how to take stock of a situation and move on with the known variables. When John was born I mentally told myself “Brace for impact!”
Many of my guy friends told me horror stories or said they would mourn my loss of manhood. The attitudes shaded my view of being a father and it took a while to adjust. Thankfully none of those things are true. I love being a dad and the greatest surprise is how wonderful it is to have a child. All the love in the world can come from a child.
Clearly, you staying home while I worked two jobs was not our ideal situation, as you are going back to work and I get to work less now! What IS your ideal situation? [Realistic - You can’t say win the lottery and live on a beach for the rest of our lives]
I believe we are a team and that we should both contribute. While John was less than six months old we both valued one of us staying home with him. Now that he’s a little older I like the idea of working again. He is still very small, but a mixed schedule will have him in daycare for just a few days a week. I think this is my ideal schedule. I value your time at home and have always wished you could have more of it. I’ll be very happy to go back to work so you can reduce your total hours.
You told me a few times that people we knew gave you a hard time about staying home while I worked. Those people made me so mad! I wanted to shout at them, “He is a good Dad!” and “You try working a job with required OT and no benefits and see who decides to stay home.” Very mature of me, I know. What did you choose to say to them?
Well, they are my friends still, I just see them less. My self esteem really took a hit every time someone would tell me to get a job and support my family. Traditional values have taught us that this is how it should be. I, along with many other men, have broken this mold, but society still pushes back. I think men feeling paternal emotions is a grey zone that makes other men think about feelings. The whole tough guy routine goes out the window when emotions get involved.
To answer the questions, I really said nothing. I love my family so much and to hear criticism about how to spend my time is so shocking. Raising children is one of the most rewarding and time consuming jobs I’ve ever had. The joy I feel from John on a daily basis is immense and I’m just not prepared for negative comments. These comments bother me to this day because I can’t understand why my friends would judge me in this way. I feel like I’m better able to handle the criticism now, but I’m also headed back to work, so I might have just moved past this phase of sentiment from my friends.
My advice for new Dads is to prepare for people to question your judgement, work ethic, and manliness. I chose not to argue, but that’s not everyone’s style. Being a stay at home dad raises emotional questions for everyone around you and your buddies might not want to think about them. Most of my friends came around eventually.
You just got a really good job in medical IT. Do you see yourself doing medical IT for the long haul, or as a step toward another path? Also, do you ever see yourself being a stay-at-home Dad again?
Well, we made a deal that you would get to stay home for the next child. Is this a trick question? I feel refreshed from staying home with John even though it was hard work. I had previous medical problems and John and I really did take care of each other. I would never be the man I am today without my son. Being a stay at home dad is transformative and healthy. I feel very lucky that I don’t have to go back to work. I had picked out this job as one of two that I would apply for if they opened up during the time I was home was with John. It’s been a scramble to get things squared away so quickly, but I owe you a lot of thanks for helping. I am excited for medical IT. I like doing IT work, but working in the medical field is IT with a purpose. I’m hoping to make a career out of this job, but who knows what the future holds.
There is a question about tips on how we made our situation work. I’ll write three things down, all practical, that I think we will do for the rest of our lives. Anything you would add?
1. We are a team. This goes without saying but I think for us, we really have to say it out loud. Like, when we are fighting and one of us says “well, we’re a team, so we are going to have to be adults now and compromise.” Or when we had to buy another car since ours decided to die and we didn’t really plan for that: “Well it sucks our savings is going away, but we are a team and we will both help to rebuild it.” Or when we know a hard week is coming up and we say “this week will be hard but we are a team and we will handle it together.” Each time we say it makes me pause and think of walking back down the wedding aisle after saying our vows, hand-in-hand. We are indeed a team!
2. We anticipate the bad days and plan to make them easier. For instance, these past 6 months we always knew Tuesday nights were bad because I bartended on Sundays and Mondays so on Tuesdays we were always tired and cranky. So we plan ahead to cook something really easy, like a quesadilla. And we plan either no activity or something small for exercise. For some reason, this was a huge revelation to me when we started doing it - before I always felt guilty for being tired. Now I’m like, I’m tired, so dinner will be something easy!
3. We give ourselves an “allowance” each week for free spending money and eating out. The amount depends on how much money is in the bank, and we re-evaluate it every 6 months or so. But allowance is so freeing! For instance, if I want to buy something like a nice sushi dinner, then I don’t have to worry about whether or not it is a good idea financially. Either I have the allowance now, or I have to wait until the next week. Yes or no. No long thought process. And no guilt if I do have the allowance and decide to go for it! And no getting angry at you. If you buy something really stupid, like a computer monitor that doesn’t work and that you think you are going to be able to fix - hey, you are only wasting your allowance. It is yours to spend on what you want, so how can I be mad about that? But I do get to laugh at you when you can’t fix the monitor!
RJ: I agree with all of these points. The overall thought process here is having a working relationship first. We can’t be good parents if we aren’t good to each other. My childhood was not good and I used to stay awake at night listening to my parents fight. I’ve always been of the mind to discuss problems with Vanessa in front of our child/children. I want them to learn how adults talk and resolve problems. All relationships have disagreements and I’m hoping my children can learn good problem resolution skills from us the parents. I love John and Vanessa both dearly, so having a healthy functional relationship with both of them is key to my happiness.
Vanessa and I have identified areas that make us argue. As an example I’ll choose one of her points. Money was an issue for us from the beginning. We decided to try an allowance system to cut down on fighting and it really worked for us. I have friends that think it’s crazy and would never do it. I’m an overspender. I’ll just come out and say it. I’ve always had a problem with this and the allowance system has helped me cut back my spending habits and keep us out of debt. Vanessa never wants me to go without and would always let me purchase whatever I want, but that isn’t the point of allowance. The point is for me to be able to set my own limits in a fashion that works for me and my spending goals. The fact that she helps me by sticking to an allowance with me shows good teamwork and she’s found some perks of the system as well.
It takes a lot of work to make any system of parenting work. I’d say the biggest challenges we’ve faced haven’t been parenting related. Maintaining a healthy relationship, extended-family drama, financial woes (car), and the income/benefits puzzle are the hardest things to tackle. I would advise all new dads to prepare for these issues and just enjoy the actual parenting aspect. Parenting is a wonderful thing even when it’s hard ( teething, sleepless nights, fussy babies), but it’s the other life aspects that provide the real issues.
Moms tend to feel guilty about things. Did you experience any guilt when you stayed at home, either about not making money, or about not doing enough activities with John?
I experienced a lot of guilt at first. My friends made me feel terrible about not making money, but I soon realized that John took up so much time that I felt justified in taking care of him. I always felt like I was contributing even though I wasn’t contributing money. I also found ways to contribute around the house with chores and reducing my spending even more to ease the burden on my family.
I do as many activities as I can with John. I used to worry about not reading enough books with him or developing his manual dexterity enough, but all those things came in time. Newborn babies don’t really have the attention span for books. As he grew we found a rhythm and it all started to fall into place. We do activities before breakfast, some after first nap, and so on.
I had a really hard time going back to work after having John. He was so small! I knew you would take good care of him, but I wanted to be there, holding him, loving him. Thank heaven I bike to work and it was February because I cried the whole way and was able to blame my red face on the cold temperatures. I remember standing outside and telling myself, now, you are going to grab the door handle, walk in with your head up, and do yourself proud at your job. I gave a tour of the building features that day for a group of energy raters and I told myself I would give the best tour that I ever given. And then I walked in. What will you tell yourself when you go back to work on the first day? Or, will you just walk in without a second thought because you are a guy :) ?
I already know I’m going to miss him like crazy. I haven’t left yet and I already miss him. Every baby cuddle I get now I enjoy a little more than before because I know I’ll get fewer soon. I’ll be happy to be back at work though. I have enjoyed my time with John so thoroughly that I feel ready to contribute to my family’s success in another fashion now. I’ve always wanted you to have more time with John and I know soon you will. We also wanted a more balanced work/home life and we’re getting there now. To be honest, John is already growing up! I find myself missing him as a fresh newborn. Every day is precious and everyday is a new challenge. I will continue to have my close bond with him even after I go back to work. I think I value my time with him more now and I’m sure I will after work when I see him.
When I am at work and I am missing John, I remember something I read when I was pregnant about working moms. The article said that without working moms, there wouldn’t be as many caring pediatricians, competent business leaders, or ladies smiling at you at the bank. I think of that at work. Without me, there wouldn’t be as many kids in Alaska with warm, healthy homes. When I am missing John, I think, yes, but somewhere there is another kid who has a better house because of something I do today. That is what I would say to moms who go back to work. Think of how you are making the world a better place for your child, for every child, one task, one courteous interaction at a time. What would you say to people thinking of going back to work? Or thinking to decide to stay at home?
I’m going to jump in and say that what Vanessa has done for this family is extremely hard and I could tell. I know how much she loves him and how much she misses him when she’s gone. It would be difficult for her to come home and see John and I cuddling knowing that we cuddled and bonded most of the day. I tried my best to be respectful and allow her to express her feelings of loneliness. I’m not sure that’s the right word or if there are any words for how it feels to go back to work and be torn from your newborn child. All I know is that she was out there busting her butt for our family and providing for us. I will always be indebted to her for providing not only the opportunity for me to stay home with John, but also providing food for the table. I know somedays Vanessa would come home and feel guilty about missing out on John, but she was taking care of him in a big picture sense. That’s a really hard thing to do.
Going back to work is a hard choice. I know it was for Vanessa and it is for me as well. We have to be able to provide for John though, so it’s a necessary choice. Staying home has been a wonderful time, but I know it doesn’t work for everyone. Vanessa and I will not buy a house or move to a larger place any time soon, but I believe it’s worth it for the time I’ve had at home. I think Vanessa values all the time I’ve had with John as well. She’s told me in the past that she worries so much less knowing I’m home taking care of him and sending her photos throughout the day. Money isn’t everything, so if either parent can afford to stay home for a while I strongly encourage trying it.
New questions submitted by readers (Ness started these, RJ finished up):
-How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family??
Two things that help here is that we love to cook and are not picky eaters. We write a weekly menu. We share cooking responsibilities depending on workload or what other chores need done, except that I usually do the baking and RJ usually does the grilling.
In Alaska, many people try to put away as much food as they can during the summer, so there is also “meal planning” that occurs on an annual basis. We work together on this as well, and many summer weekends are devoted to fishing, berry picking, and tending the garden and then canning the vegetables. I like that we get to eat so many local foods and that we maintain some of the traditional diet of RJ’s ancestors although I still buy the huge bag of pinto beans at Sam’s club and regularly make tortillas since I can’t leave my culture behind either!
Once again, I [RJ] used to be a poor planner. In my undergraduate days I’d eat out or shop each day. Writing a weekly menu has helped reduce our overall spending and also allowed us more time at home. This is especially important with a newborn. Each trip to the store can be a challenge. Vanessa and I are both in charge of meals. We write out menu together and shop together. We try to plan healthy meals and stick to them during the week. As she said above we plan some easy meals on hard days and that does help a lot. Not only do we have less to cook on hard days, but there is less to clean up which can also be a challenge when John is not having a good day. We try to shop once a week, but as a stay at home Dad, I’ve had the luxury to go back during the week for any forgotten items. We are starting John on real food now, but we feed him the healthy foods that we eat. As with a few of the other tricky situations answered above, we worked out a system for our busy lives previously and it’s really not changed that much with John.
-How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?
Well, now here is where the dry one-room cabin turns out to be really handy. Cleaning the outhouse consists of doing...nothing. [TMI TMI stop reading if you don’t like outhouses...technically a few times a winter RJ has to knock down the poop stalagmite or as we prefer to call it the “tower of power.” And in the summer we put lime down the hole into the black abyss.] Cleaning the floor of the cabin takes all of ten minutes. We do this together every weekend. I sweep the tiled area in the kitchen, the tiled area by the door, and the Arctic entry while RJ vacuums the carpet and John supervises. We wash the dishes during cooking or right after dinner while the other person reads John books. Other tasks (filling water jugs, shoveling snow, bike maintenance) we handle in a divide-and-conquer fashion over the weekends or days off.
RJ: We clean with John awake. He doesn’t seem to mind and we usually clean as we go. We do dishes after every meal so they don’t pile up. We do laundry once a week now because infants go through a lot of outfits! I do tidy up the house a little during nap times, but that usually consists of making sure dirty diapers are disposed of, making the bed, and picking up items strewn about the cabin while John plays. We try not to do chores after bedtime. The bedtime routine with John is sacred in our household and it’s almost more important for Vanessa and me than for John. After he goes to bed we talk and catch up on our lives and cuddle with each other. It’s a very important part of my day and It’s nice to relax before bed and just enjoy the peace and quiet before John wakes up again for feeding or comfort. John doesn’t sleep well still, so the nightly rituals are good for all of our sanity.
Thank you RJ for letting me interview you! I love you! And thanks for letting us contribute to the series!
{Thank you, Vanessa and RJ! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Moms Make it Work Julie Full Time Working Mom Stay at Home Dad
Today we have Julie posting for our Moms Make it Work series, and we follow each other on Instagram. I did not know Julie works full time and her husband stays at home with their son during the week, and works outside of the home on weekends....but I sure am glad Julie contacted me about filling a 'Stay at Home Dad' slot! I loved reading about their situation and her husband's perspective at the end was awesome, too. Just another example on how families make it work with many different situations. Enjoy!
Hi everyone! I'm Julie, and I blog over at The F Family Files. You can also find me on Instagram at Juriefurie. I'm a 27 year old working mom to Parker (age 3). My husband Tanner is a stay at home dad and works part time on the weekends.
First of all, I'd just like to thank Julia for letting me post for this awesome series. I've been following her since she had Truman, and hers was the first blog I ever read. Because of Julia I decided to start recording our own journey, so thank you so much, Julia! Second, I am so honored to be a part of the Moms Make it Work series. I believe that our story is unique because my husband stays home while I work, and I'm so happy to offer a different perspective.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?
I was born and raised in Iowa, and I love my state with all my heart. I grew up in a suburb of Des Moines, and attended college in Ames at Iowa State University. It was there that I met Tanner. We started dating at the beginning of our freshmen year (we actually met on Facebook believe it or not) and I quickly realized that he was the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.
Tanner and I dated for 3 years before he popped the question on my birthday in 2008. We had a rather long engagement because we wanted to wait to get married til after both of us had graduated from college. I graduated a semester before Tanner did in December 2009, and was very fortunate to secure a full time job at a mid sized insurance company in Des Moines. Tanner graduated in May 2010, and we were married in Ames on June 19th, 2010.
After we were married we moved out of Ames to be closer to my job. I had previously been commuting about 45 minutes each way while Tanner finished up his schooling, and it had taken a toll. We were lucky to find a townhouse to rent that was owned by Tanner's soon to be step dad. The townhouse was just 10 minutes from my office, and in a nice neighborhood outside of Des Moines. We weren't ready financially to buy a house, and renting from a close soon-to-be family member was the perfect solution for us at the time.
While I had a fairly easy time finding a job after college, Tanner did not. My double major in accounting and finance lent itself well to a career in business. Tanner's degree was in animal ecology with an emphasis in fisheries biology. He ended up pursuing temp work after a few months of job searching post graduation, and he started as a temp for a large agricultural company in August 2010.
Tanner and I always knew we wanted to have a family and children, and we both had the understanding that we'd likely have kids soon after getting married. My parents were married at 19 and had my older brother at age 23, and I had just always imagined myself having kids in my younger 20's too. Once Tanner had his temp job and I was going on my second year of work at my job, I started to really think about having a baby.
My thoughts about starting a family were mostly daydreams until a dear friend of mine told me she was pregnant. In that moment I felt so happy for her, but I also felt a little jealous. I wanted that for myself, and it took my friend's announcement to make me realize that. I went home that night and told Tanner I was ready, and we both agreed that we would just "see what happened". We weren't in any hurry, but I will admit I was so excited at the prospect of pregnancy and being a mom. It was something I'd dreamt about for a long time, and it felt like the missing puzzle piece in my life.
Somehow just seeing what would happen turned into a big old positive pregnancy test at the end of September 2010, after only one cycle. I was shocked, but also thrilled. I think Tanner was even more shocked than me, though. Neither of us had thought it would happen so quickly. Still, we were both over the moon excited to be parents.
We were pretty sure Tanner's temp job would end in an offer for him to work full time, and I had always assumed I would be a working mom. Both of my parents always worked, so that was what I knew. I thought we would be fine financially with both of us working, and I even researched daycare centers in our area. As time went on, though, something inside of me changed. I grew more worried and anxious about our baby being in daycare. I wasn't sure if it would be possible for me to stay home with him, so I asked around my family and arranged for my aunt and grandmother to take care of him at the end of my maternity leave.
Things didn't go at all like I had planned, though. A week before my due date Tanner found out some terrible news. He was being laid off from his temp job. Suddenly we were about to have a baby any day, and Tanner was unemployed. It was such a weird time in our lives emotionally. I was so scared and anxious, but I was also so excited to meet our baby boy. I decided to take the maximum 12 weeks of maternity leave, and Parker was born on his due date on May 5th, 2011.
Tanner's temp agency came to the rescue and secured a new job for him, which he started a week into my maternity leave. This job was not something he really cared about, though. It was mindless work and we knew it wouldn't lead to anything permanent. Tanner continued to apply for jobs, and we thought all our problems were solved when halfway through my maternity leave Tanner interviewed for a permanent full time job doing research in an area he really loved: entomology. The company called Tanner and told him they wanted to hire him! But they said not for the job he applied for. They told him they liked him so much they wanted to create a new job specifically for him. This was great news.
We decided since Tanner would be working full time at his new job in the near future, it would be okay if he quit his temp job to have a few weeks at home with Parker and me before my maternity leave was over. I really appreciated having an extra set of hands to help me. I was struggling as a new mom with PPD and sleep deprivation, so I practically begged Tanner to take some time off to help me at home.
A few weeks passed by with all of us at home, and my maternity leave was coming to an end soon. Tanner hadn't heard back from the company who promised him that job, and we began to worry. He called them and finally got a straight answer. They had changed managers in the department where he was set to work, and the new manager decided to hold open interviews for the job they had promised to Tanner. The company told Tanner he could reapply for the job, so he did. We were sure he'd get selected, but in the end they chose someone else. We were devastated.
I returned to work at the end of July 2011, and Tanner stayed home with Parker. Going back to work at the end of my maternity leave was one of the hardest things I ever had to do as a mom, and I really don't know if I could have done it if it wasn't for the fact that I was leaving my son with his father. That really was such a comfort to me. I was very anxious about leaving Parker with anyone but family and the thought of daycare scared me. I didn't like the idea of my baby being left with a stranger.
At first we both agreed this would be a temporary thing. Tanner continued to apply for jobs, but now we were a little more selective in our search. I was done with the whole "temp job" thing. If Tanner was going to go back to work and we were going to leave Parker in someone else's care, then I wanted it to be for a fantastic permanent job doing something he actually cared about.
It turns out that fantastic job was a little hard to find, because the longer Tanner stayed home watching Parker, the less relevant his career search became. He had a very unique college degree, and a gap on his resume to explain. We struggled to make it by with just my income, but we managed somehow. There was a period in the beginning where we went into some debt, but eventually we were able to dig ourselves out of that hole and start saving.
Tanner never really gave up looking for a job, but watching Parker turned into his number one priority. He has had a few promising interviews over the last 3 years, but never an offer. In the mean time he's been doing part time mold and radon testing for his mom and step dad's air quality business. The extra money from that is great, but the jobs are sporadic.
Finally, earlier this year Tanner started working weekends at a wholesale grocery store chain pushing and loading carts. His extra income has allowed us to move to a bigger house (still renting though) and start paying down some debts, and we're hoping he will be able to re-enter the workforce full time in the near future.
What are the best parts of your situation?
The best part is easy. Tanner is hands down the best person I could choose to stay at home with Parker every day. The bond that the two of them share is incredible, and even though we've struggled and it hasn't been easy, it has been worth it just for that.
Parker not being in a daycare center is another positive to our situation. I don't mean to offend anyone who has children in daycare at all, but for us personally we just didn't want to go that route. I love that Parker is in his home every day, and with his dad. I love that he sleeps when he wants to, and we don't have to wake him up early to get him out of the door every morning.
Along those same lines, life is just more relaxed when only one parent works. We aren't as rushed in the mornings because we don't have to get Parker ready at the same time as us. At the end of the work day I get to go straight home and the evenings feel longer. Tanner takes care of most of our errands during the week so we don't have to do them on nights or weekends. When Parker is sick I don't have to worry about taking time off from work to take care of him. I also know that if I want to plan some days off from my job that we have guaranteed family time since Tanner will be home anyway.
Lastly one of the best parts has been Parker's not as exposed to sicknesses like he would be at daycare. He actually went without a single illness of any kind for his entire first year of life. Not many kids can say that. His first cold wasn't until he was nearly 14 months old.
What are the challenges?
The hardest challenge is obviously living off of one income. The first year or so was especially difficult because I was making less money at my job than I do now, and Tanner hadn't yet started working part time. Like I mentioned earlier, we haven't been able to buy a home and we have a lot of debt to pay off, especially with student loans. We've had to keep a strict budget, and any financial goals we set always take much longer to achieve than they would if Tanner was contributing a second full income. The financial sacrifice is huge, but I'd rather have Tanner home than pay a daycare 800 plus dollars per month. That is obviously a personal choice, however.
There have been challenges in our marriage along the way. Tanner is home so he does things a certain way that I might not have if it were me. We've gotten in fights over what is best for Parker, and it's so hard to compromise when both of us are coming from such different places. I am a very type-A control freak personality, so it's difficult for me especially to let things go.
The resentment can get to me sometimes, too. I will catch myself wishing it were me at home and the roles were reversed. And if there is a particularly nasty argument it's all too easy for me to throw it in Tanner's face that I'm the one who makes the money. Usually we don't let things get taken that far, but there have been instances where it has.
Another challenge is Parker's lack of socialization. That is a huge one that I do feel guilt over. We make our best attempts at taking him places like story time at the library and the playground, but it's still not the same as what he'd experience at daycare. And Parker is such a huge extrovert, believe it or not. He loves all kids and I know he would really love to have a group of close friends. I'm hoping he will get that from preschool when he starts this coming September.
People's assumptions can be a challenge. Tanner has watched as a store employee picked Parker up and carried him away because he thought Parker was lost, even though Tanner was standing right near him. The employee had assumed Parker would be with his mommy. Tanner gets excluded from the mommy circles, and he's yet to meet another stay at home dad with a kid Parker's age. There are so many classes and groups out there called "mommy and me", but none for dads. It's not something people generally think about, but for us it's a sad reality. Because of this isolation, it is even harder for Parker to make friends and get that socialization he craves.
Just leaving my child every day is a challenge. I miss him dearly. I want so much to be with him every second of the day, and I hate saying goodbye to him every morning. He's old enough now to understand a little more, but it still stinks. He will ask me not to leave sometimes, and those are always the hardest. The hugs and kisses are never enough, and I get so sad when Parker is upset by me leaving. I never want him to feel abandoned by me, and I never want him to think I'm choosing work over time with him.
Lastly, I often feel like Tanner and I never get enough alone time together. Our date nights are few and far between because Tanner works the weekends, which is when our parents are usually available to babysit. We could go somewhere on a week night, but then I feel guilty for not spending time with Parker since I haven't seen him all day already while I was at work. On weekends when Tanner works I am solo parenting and it is challenging. I feel like I don't get very much "me time" either. It's easy to feel like we're in a rut and just trading off work and solo parenting, and not stopping to be in the moment.
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
Definitely not. When I would picture my life with a family I would always picture me and my husband both working, and our kids in daycare. I was completely clueless how becoming a parent would change me. I never realized how deeply I could love my own child. I never had the slightest clue how hard it would be, and how rewarding also. I certainly never pictured being in a situation where my husband stayed home while I worked. If anything I would have imagined myself as a stay at home mom before that scenario.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
No. I'll be the first to admit it's not. We do what we can, with what we have. That has been our situation, and for the past 3 years I've struggled to accept it and enjoy it for what it is. I fear that I may have wished away some of the best times of my life because I was too busy hoping for something better. Looking back now, I realize that Tanner being home with Parker has been the best thing for Parker, and I wouldn't change it.
If you want to talk about ideal situations, mine would be that neither of us has to work. I love our family time more than anything, and it'd be great if we had access to it 24/7. That's the lottery scenario, though. The real life scenario is more like Tanner having a great job that he is passionate about, and that also supports our family with a salary and benefits. I would like to try switching spots and being home with Parker (and our future children). That would be my real life "ideal".
Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
It's so hard to know what the future holds for us. Tanner's career will heavily influence whether or not I could ever change jobs or stay at home with our kid(s). In order to buy a home, which is something we both want desperately, we will definitely need two incomes. If Tanner's future job will allow for me to stay home with our next baby that would be amazing. It's not something I'm counting on though.
Tips on how you make your situation work for you:
Budget! I can't stress that one enough. At first we were charging everything and not paying attention, and that's how we got into some bad debt. These days we pinch pennies everywhere we can, and we've really learned to live on less. It's something I don't ever plan on changing, either. Even if we had two incomes it just makes sense to save as much as you can, just in case. Right now I have a running spreadsheet in Excel, and I update it almost every day to make sure we're staying on track financially. Making long term goals is easier, and it keeps me motivated to spend less.
Having a great spouse sure helps. Tanner is a rock star husband and stay at home dad. I'm pretty darn lucky, and I know that. He is an awesome cook, and he prepares nearly every single meal we eat. He does all of our grocery shopping. He's wonderful with Parker, and takes every night waking since I have to be up in the morning to go to work. I know he would do anything for our family, and for me. He's always supportive of whatever I want to do, and encourages me to have time to myself. Without Tanner's help none of this could work. He's the best husband and father.
I can't say enough how helpful our parents are, as well. We are blessed that they all live relatively close to us, so if we ever need a babysitter it's pretty convenient. Tanner's mom and step dad have helped us out by letting Tanner in on their business with side jobs, too. And my parents help us out financially where they can, and are always willing to watch Parker at the drop of a hat.
My job is pretty wonderful, and very flexible. I have a very family friendly employer, and I'm so thankful for that. I also work just 5 minutes from home, so it's super convenient for me to just leave the office at lunch time and run home to squeeze in some extra time with Parker. I usually go home over my lunch hour at least once or twice a week these days. It's awesome.
Lastly, I'd say just having open communication with Tanner is really helpful. We talk and text a ton throughout the day, and it helps make me feel more connected to Parker when I can't be with him in person (gotta love technology). Understanding what each person is responsible for around the house, planning our grocery lists, and just sitting together and chatting after a long day are all so important to our relationship and our marriage.
How do you handle mommy guilt?
Honestly? Not very well. I am so bad about feeling guilty whenever I'm not spending my free time with Parker. Even just going out with a friend for dinner makes me feel bad sometimes. I realize it's ridiculous to think that way, but I can't help it. When you are away from your child all day, it's natural to feel guilty and to miss them. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance "me time" with the mommy guilt.
Something that has helped recently was our decision to cancel my gym membership and purchase an elliptical for our home. I realized I was making excuses to skip the gym because I didn't want to miss time at home with Parker. Now I have no excuse!
Being home with Parker on the weekends, when it's just us, is sometimes nice. Sure we miss Tanner, but I also love having that special mommy/son bonding time. That definitely appeases some of the guilt if I want to do something alone another time.
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?
I can't tell you what to do, because every situation is different. What I can say is that I understand your struggle. Going back to work was so hard for me. Even with my husband (whom I trust wholeheartedly) watching our son, it was still so incredibly stressful and emotionally difficult for me. Over time, though, we fell into a new routine and things felt "normal". I won't say it doesn't suck to leave for work every day still, but it is "easier" most days.
The bottom line is we are all moms who love and care about our children more than anything, and want what's best for them. And every mom out there (and dad!) faces guilt, stress, and their own personal battles. It's so important for us to support one another as much as possible. I never judge a person's decision to stay home, work part time, or work full time. You just never know another person's story until you walk in their shoes.
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Now to give you a little insight into Tanner's perspective, I'm going to have him answer a few key questions.
How do you handle reactions from other stay at home moms, the general public, and friends/family regarding you being a stay at home dad?
I take it with a grain of salt. I really don't care what anyone else thinks. I've never really had anyone obviously react negatively when I tell them I am home with my child. I'm sure some people probably have thoughts they keep to themselves, but we live in Iowa and everyone is usually pretty polite and doesn't go out of their way to irritate or offend anyone.
What are the best and most challenging parts about staying at home?
The best part about staying at home is obviously staying at home and spending time with my son. The most challenging part is one and the same however. Cabin fever, not ever having time to myself, and the constant demand of caring for a small child while handling a lot of the house work, cooking, and still looking for work and working evenings and weekends is taxing to say the least.
Do you feel any "daddy guilt" about staying at home with the kid while your wife works?
I feel incredibly guilty about being at home while my wife works. It nags at me constantly. I know my wife would like nothing more than to spend time with our son and she can't. I would change it all in a second if I could. At the same time I feel guilty that I sometimes take this time I've had with my child for granted, because I know I will miss it terribly once it is over. It saddens me deeply.
What is one thing you want others to know about your life as a stay at home dad?
Staying home can be just as hard as going to work-they just are difficult in different ways. It's like comparing apples to oranges, and I'm sure stay at home moms feel the same way. The grass isn't greener on the other side that's for sure, but whether you are at home or going to work there will always be aspects of the other that you wish you had.
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Thank you so much, Julia, for letting us share our story!
{Thank YOU guys, Julie and Tanner! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
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